What is an appropriate tool for Communists to measure time?
It’s about time.
Tenor twelve feet away from her and all musical instruments at all times.
The bartender said “Hey”, then the horse “you read my mind buddy.”
The well, actually.
I wanted to add definition to my muscles
An ugly one will too, but you just won't care as much.
…”we don’t serve your type!”
Instant karma. Saluting this Judge who threw a drunk driver’s mom in jail for laughing at victim’s family in court
Since, she is a private tutor, of course.
No canaries there either.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
By turning your phone horizontal before recording any fights. That's all!
My dad: “None that I’ve seen!”
He must be a part of some extreme mist group.
A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ years old man walking past. She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, "hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?" The old man said, "but I won't be able to…" Prostitute: "c'mon man…. give it a try… " Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his 8 incher and fucks the daylights out of her for 30 minutes. When he's done, the prostitute all exhausted and tired says, "but you said you won't be able to…." "…pay you" replied the old man.
And suddenly a man starts having a heart attack. One of the flight attendants (who frequents r/AskReddit) notices this and quickly shouts: “People of the plane, we’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?” Immediately, five people stand up and all say, “I’m not a doctor, but….
It took half a century but Hippies finally won.
You can't spell advertisements without semen between the tits.(edited)
But it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut.
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed. Edit: My first award! Thanks!
.It is dangerous to sleep with your mouth open on the subway.
I was beginning to get annoyed about it but then I realised I'd left my phone in Airplane mode.
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely: "Are – my – test – results – back?"
But it's just a hunch.
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I can't believe I never mentioned herbivore.
A cop stops a miner for speeding on the highway and asks, “Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?”
On which the miner replies, "mine".
Male Female IMAGINATION
After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?” With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies,” cried the professor, “The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!”
The librarian points him towards the non-friction section.
That sounds a little far fetched
He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out. The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him. The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!” The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”
Because it’s only interested in current events.
A little girl is having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear. She says, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?”
The bear replies, “No thanks, I’m stuffed.”