What is Bruce Wayne’s favorite food?
Goth Ham
A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks.
"We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.
A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn’t even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, “Get the fuck out of my cab.”
So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver. So, he gets in the first cab. "How much is it to the airport?" He asks. The driver says, "$15" "Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?" The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab." So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?" "$15" "Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?" And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab. He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. He asks, "hey how much to the airport?" Driver responds, "$15" The guy hands him $15 and says "great let's go" And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.
A woman looks into the mirror and says to her husband:
"I feel fat, old and ugly, give me a compliment". The man replies: "Your eyes are still working great".
What part of the body dies last?
The pupils… because they dilate.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I was cheating on her.
She told all her friends I had a small dick. Luckily they all knew she was lying.
Iβve been asked to name and shame all those horrible people that have been mocking me for wearing mittens…
…but Iβm not going to point fingers.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop talking in clickbait.
What happened next will shock you!
Two jumper cables walk into a bar
The bartender goes, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"
An invisible man marries an invisible woman…
The kids weren't much to look at!
I used to be a man trapped in a woman’s body
Then I was born.
Accordion to a recent study, 90% of people didnβt realize
I put an instrument at the start of this sentence.
I thought this was funny
I thought this was funny
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
I’m not an alcoholic. In fact, there’s only three times I ever drink.
Before work, during work, and after work.
A bodybuilder and a Blonde
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!" He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!" The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"
I’m making a new documentary on how to fly a plane
We're currently filming the pilot.
What happens when an artist can’t take criticism?
They take Poland, instead.
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
Me: Hi! Do you take walk-ins?
Cremator: What
A man walked into a bar.
A man walked into a bar and asked the bartender : "What can you serve as a non – alcoholic beverage?" Bartender: "We have mango juice" Man: "I have a cold. Ju would be fine."
A Bridge Too Soon
A Bridge Too Soon
Iβm sorry if this is a repost but I found this posted seriously on an account I enjoy.
https://ift.tt/2QXZSDr
The psychic I go to can predict what’s going to happen two years from now.
He's got 2020 vision.
My 8 year old came home from school and told me she had a test that day.
Me: Oh yeah, what was it on? Her: Paper. I was so proud.
What’s dark humor?
A boy asks his mom: "Hey, mom, what is dark humor?" "See that disabled man over there?" She says "But mom, I'm blind" "Exactly, honey"
I had a talk about porn with my girlfriend.
"I don't get porn, why would you watch 2 people have sex?" she asked, then I reply "Two?" she looks surprised and I add "People?"
Itβs just as I suspected, someoneβs been adding soil to my garden
The plot thickens
What do you call a dolphin that never ends?
Dol, cause thereβs no βfin.β