What is Bruce Wayne’s favorite food?
I was so angry when the door knob broke off my front door.
I couldn’t handle it.
Why do I always need to manually configure my PATH plugins…
When the lecturer says they wrote an example paper
A dog sees a “Now hiring” poster outside of a computer store.
The poster reads: "Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer." The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room. 30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter. "Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?", he asks himself. 20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running website for the store. He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well… you're a dog." The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer" on the poster, and the manager sighs. "There's no way you're bilingual." The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, "Meow."
Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50
Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes. Riceless.
Why do North Koreans hate jazz music?
They don't have Seoul.
Don’t do meth kids!
The real problem
-Doctor, ive tried everything to find love but it just wont work, what else can i do?
-Have you tried shaving your mustache? -No -Well you should, Karen.
Pokemon go 4 life
Oh duck oh duck oh duck!
antifa is based change my mind
Reddit got nothing on it
Don’t get hooked, lightning
My girlfriend dumped me so I stole her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
A Mexican magician said that he could disappear on the count of three. He started “unos, dos..”
But then he disappeared without a tres…
Doctor: I can’t find out what your problem is. It could be due to excess alcohol consumption.
Me: It’s okay. I can come back when you are sober.
Teenage boy: “Dad, what’s a vagina look like?”
Father: "Well son, before sex it's a delicate little thing. Almost like a tulip that hasn't fully bloomed". Boy: "What about after sex?" Father: "You ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"
Like Aloe Vera on a sunburn
Me using printf to figure out what’s causing bugs in my code
Your boss doesn’t care about you. Join your union!
Alexa bad, absurdly long times good
This is uncomfortably unfunny
I’m a businessman.
My friend drowned in a vat of varnish. He had a terrible end,
but a lovely finish.
A pirate goes to the doctor and say, “I have moles on me back aaarrrghh”
The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign" Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"
My wife was mad at me for kicking ice cubes under the refrigerator,
but now it's just water under the fridge.
A doctor says “The good news is it’s all in your head.”
"The bad news is it's brain cancer."
Two gay men are travelling…
…on a plane. Let's call them Steve and Bill. "Dude, what if we had sex?" asks Steve. "You crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it…" "Man, nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!" Steve stands up and asks loudly: "Could I have a pencil, please?" Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. "They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bill. So Steve and Bill have wild sex on the plane. Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth. "Sir, you should've asked for a bag!" "I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass…"
Why is so much boomer humor super rapey?
When Front-end and Back-end meet
why santa might be a republican [OC]
Please stop buying pugs (from breeders. Still get them as rescues)
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?
What do snowmen call their kids?
ohshitgit.com by @UserInputSucks
Sometimes my son breaks into hives.
Not sure why he hates bees so much.
If horses gallop…
Do seahorses scallop?
rutherford roxx thompson soxx
My twin brother and I finally got a barber appointment and decided to shave off our Corona Beards.
He chose the electric clippers, but I got the straight blade. Despite being twins, we were razed differently.
Been out washing the car with my son.
He said Dad why don’t you use a sponge like the other dads?
Lock Him Up
When my wife and I got married, we were really poor but she stood by me during those times.
She had to. We only had one chair.
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods
But its harder to deter gents
I was talking with fiance out getting married and he said he wasn’t excited about being called husbands.
But he though that wife had a nice ring to it.
thats a great lesson for UK educational system
Why do ducks have feathers?
To cover their butt quacks.
Finally figured out what Obamagate is.
Genie: You have only one more wish left.
Me: I wish I was a star. Gen⭐e: We⭐rd but okay.
Go back to … Oooops
My wife and I were sitting at a table
at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
Why can’t dinosaurs clap?
Cause they’re dead
I just saw some idiot at the gym
he put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
I was so bored that I memorized six pages of a dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
Flip the switch