What is it called when your parachute doesn’t open?
Jumping to a conclusion.
What did the 0 say to the 8 ?
Nice belt
People told Beethoven he could not be a musician because he was deaf.
He didn't listen though.
What do you give a pig with a rash?
Oinkment.
Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
What do you mean June is over?
Julying…
You must be in F**king management!
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude". "You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk." The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault!!!
You know you’ve done something wrong when your computer starts REEEEEEEing at you
https://ift.tt/34on0i2
“What can you offer this restaraunt as the new food runner?”
"Well, I bring a lot to the table for starters.
Remember to poop before midnight tonight
You don't want to be carrying the same shit into the new decade.
My dad’s birthday is today (12/14/45). To him and all other dads and dad-like figures out there…
….thank you for the dad jokes. They may not all make us die laughing and some we've heard you tell a million times over, but the one thing they have in common is that they're told in kindness and they put a little smile on our faces. And living in this crazy world, that's a very good thing. I love you dad.
Why don’t female roommates share a bra?
Because then it'll become a cobra.
What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws
Outlaws are wanted
Ordered a Stud Finder on Amazon and forgot to give them a shipping address.
Still made it to my door.
What do Mexico and Canada have in common?
They both border on stupidity.
Gorilla removal service.
This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in a tree near his house. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one. "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Boy," is the man's response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him." The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?" The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."
Why did the blind man fall in the well?
Because he couldn't see that well
Sign outside strip club shuttered due to COVID-19:
“Sorry, we’re clothed.”
Why does the Norwegian navy have bar codes on the side of their ships?
So they can Scan da navy in
Dad: I can’t believe you got me a house for my birthday!!
Son: I hope you enjoy it. Dad: From now on,…… I’ll start living in the present.
what’s the most disappointing way to finish a joke?
No text found
It turns out that Mr. Spock has 3 ears
The left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear. Thank you Stephen King for this wonderful joke.
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain…
In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support…
What do you call a belt made out of watches?
A waist of time.
Why is Princess Zelda the most fashionable person in Hyrule?
Because she's really Sheik.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
If you remember the OG Morbius DS, well introducing an even worst spin-off Madame Web on the Wii
If you remember the OG Morbius DS, well introducing an even worst spin-off Madame Web on the Wii
What do you call a possessed bird?
A polter-goose
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike…
It's a vicious cycle…
I own only two types of clothes— I wear my gym clothes when I exercise.
For formal occasions, I wear my James clothes.
The devil visits a politician and makes him an offer.
"I can arrange some things for you," the devil says. "I'll get you billions of dollars, unlimited political influence, and anything else you can dream of. All I ask for in return is death, disease and poverty for millions of people around the world." The politician thinks for a moment and says, “What's the catch?"
A man is explaining to his coworker that he never realized how much his wife loved him until he was home sick from work the previous day.
“Really?” the coworker asks. “What showed you she really loved you?” “She was just really excited to have me around,” the man replied. “Like when the mailman and FedEx guy came to the door she shouted excitedly, ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!’”