What is marriage really like?
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner… unannounced at 7:30 after work.
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
Wife: My hair and makeup aren’t done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I am still in my pyjamas and and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him home?
Husband: Because he is thinking of getting married and I promised him a demo!
Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early? Prisoner: It's bec… Officer: Yes? Prisoner: I think i have… Officer: Go on. Prisoner: Can i please finish my sentence! Officer: Sure, Parole denied.
My boss accused me of stealing, and fired me from my job at the furniture store. But I regret nothing.
Sometimes you have to take a stand.
Or are they getting pressured into it?
How you been?
He suffered from hamnesia.
Must have a hard time sneaking out to the pub without the wife noticing.
A laughing stock
Remains to be seen.
I was having anal sex with my girlfriend and suddenly her dad barged through the door and she screamed "Dad, I'm sorry!" Then he turned to me and asked, "Are you fucking Sorry?"
A pithon Happy pi day
I'm not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin.
so that I could fit the rest of the socks in the drawer
Now I want to break three.
In self-defense the man says, “Who told you that drinking is bad?” Nun : "Mother Superior told me." Man : "So, have you ever tried it?" Nun : "No, I haven’t ever taken a drink of hard liquor." Man : "Well, don’t criticize me if you haven’t tried it. I’ll tell you what if you try it and don’t like it, I’ll give up drinking for life." Nun : "Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don’t want people thinking I’m drinking." The man goes up to the bartender and says, “Bring me a couple of shots of vodka but bring one of them in a tea cup.” The bartender looked at the man and said, “Is that nun in here again?”
Me: Yes, but I was in the control group.
So when someone asks for your wifi password you can say 12345678
Yes, we arson.
He was a small medium at large.
It’s surprisingly very handy.
Last time I held my sister’s baby, I dropped it. It wasn’t even a big deal, but she started freaking out. It was an accident! Just an accident, no big deal. What happened was, after I was holding the baby and I inevitably dropped it, we start arguing and she’s overreacting big time. She called the cops, said I did it on purpose, blah blah of course all the while I’m denying it. She’s all red in the face screaming at me But my real question is, who brings a baby to the Grand Canyon? Nah I’m just kidding, my sister doesn’t have kids Anymore
I can’t believe I’ve been pronouncing it wrong all this time.
Whatever you do, do NOT carry them in your back pocket…
I mean, it's not hard.
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Priest: "What have you done my child?" Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch." Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?" Girl: "Because he touched my hand." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he touched my breast." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father." Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where." Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!" Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "But father he had AIDS!" Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
..But its definitely worth a shot.