What is orange and sounds like a parrot?

The guy sitting next to him says, “Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been together since we got married in 1967.” “I’m sorry to hear that,” says the first man. “Couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?” “Nope,” replies the second guy. “Everyone’s at the funeral.”

Happy Mother's Day!

To get to the other side!

When the Pope answers the door, Dopey steps forward and nervously asks "Your Excellency, I wonder if you could tell me if there are any dwarf nuns in Rome?" "No Dopey, I don't think there are," the Pope replies. The other six dwarfs start to giggle. "Well, are there any dwarf nuns in Italy?" Dopey persists. "No, none in all of Italy," the Pope answers more sternly. The dwarfs begin to laugh even more. "Are there any dwarf nuns in Europe?" This time the Pope is much more firm. "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe." By now, the other dwarfs are laughing aloud. "Your Excellency," Dopey demands. "Are there any dwarf nuns in the whole world?" "No Dopey, " the Pope snaps. "There are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world!" The six dwarfs start jumping up and down, chanting "Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!"

A laughing stock

Ewocs away

iRate.

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

The Cynicgogue

They are most likely going to face time

To be honest, she was always happy with her Redditor husband.

It's much nicer having some company.

The judge says: "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday to see how you got on" On Monday, the judge asks the first guy: "How did you do over the weekend?" Guy 1: "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever" Judge: "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? " Guy 1: "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this; O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?" Guy 2: "Well, your honor, I persuaded 350 young guys to give up drugs forever." "Wow!" says the judge. "350 people! How did you manage to do that?" Guy 2: "Well, I used a similar diagram, I drew two circles like this; o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your arsehole before prison………….."

She said something about 'waiting until they're born'

A Marx-man

Son: I hope you enjoy it. Dad: From now on,…… I’ll start living in the present.

Student : I is the … Teacher : Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I". Student : OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

They don't have the thyme for that, just cumin.

I said selling fruit and vegetables is grocer

…there's never any money in there.

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' … She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started..

It made no sense.

But it was a bit of a stretch.

incorrectly

A vaccum cleaner.

Find out after the break!

I'm in a lot of Paine.

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed. 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions. 6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb.' Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid. 22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks. 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp.' 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct. 49 to post memes and gifs (several are of Michael Jackson eating popcorn). 19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page. 11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here. 24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs. 44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you. 12 to post F. 8 to ask what F means. 36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs. 15 People to post "I can't see S$%!" and use their own light bulbs. 6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$" 4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?". 13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs." 1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments. 50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views. 5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously. 1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? ​ He couldn't see himself doing it.

I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

The pupils. They dilate

You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!

A salt rifle

The first one bought her a mansion. The second one bought her a Porsche. The third one, knowing how religious their mom is, bought her a remarkable parrot. It took 18 monks 10 years to teach him how to recite the whole Bible. It’s one of a kind, it cost 20 million dollars. After some time, their mother sent out her letters of thanks: "John," she wrote to the first one, "The mansion you bought is too big. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the entire house." "Peter," she wrote to the second one, "I’m too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Porsche." "Dearest Samuel," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was absolutely delicious!"

It was a flop, nobody came.

A plane bagel