What is real programming?
The teacher asks a boy if he remembered the chemical formula of water, which she told them yesterday.
He replied “ H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O! H to O!
The waitress came over and saw my leftovers and asked, “do ya wanna box for that?”
I responded with, "no, but we can arm wrestle any day."
i don’t know why everyone thought 73-year-old Bernie Sanders was too old to run for president four years ago…
…after all, he was in his prime.
What’s the best way to calm down a knife-wielding girlfriend?
Please answer quickly
An atheist, vegan, and cross fit athlete walk into a bar.
We know this because they all loudly announced it within the first 30 seconds.
My wife and I are planning a trip to San Francisco to finally fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing The Golden Gate in person.
She asked me, “What are you going to do when you see it?” I said, “Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.”
[nsfw] some parents find their teenager’s browser history
It’s full of s&m porn. Mom says: well what are we going to do? Dad says: what do you mean? Mom says: well.. we can’t spank him.
You serve alcohol at a party no one bats an eye
I serve laxatives at one and everyone loses their shit
What do u call a zombie that writes music?
A decomposer
You hear a cancer joke and it makes you laugh…
… until you get it.
Whats the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with tits?
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
A monk joins a monastery…
…and he’s only allowed to say two words every ten years After the first decade, he goes to the father to say his two words Monk: “bed hard” Father: “okay, I’ll make some changes” Another decade goes by and the monk sees the father Monk: “food bad” Father: “okay, I’ll made some changes” After a third decade, the monk sees the father again Monk: “I quit” Father: “good, because all you’ve done is bitch since you got here”
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
My friends and I experimented with sex and drugs when we were in high school.
I was the control group.
What’s the difference between children and lesbians?
Children shouldn't run with scissors and Lesbians shouldn't scissor with the runs
Is dark matter todays version of phlogiston, vitalism, the four humors, steady-state model?
https://ift.tt/2AMo9Xl
I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long pole. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.
With Christmas coming up, my wife asked our 3 year old what do you know about Jesus? To which she replies “well I know he’s a bad driver and a moron”
Because every time I'm in the car with Daddy, all he ever says is "Jesus Christ learn how to drive you freaking moron"
Just walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.
Well, that was a trip down memory lane.
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know y.
My 5 year old granddaughter kept following me while holding a bucket. I asked her what the bucket was for and she said . . .
“Dad says if you kick it, we’ll be rich!!”
What comes out if you cross a mosquito and an elephant?
I dunno but I really do hope that thing doesn't bite…
A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.
During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says, "Jesus died for your scenes."