I asked my friend nic if he had 5 cents,
But he was nicholas.
Why does killing people in GTA make me happy?
It’s the only time I’m ever wanted
This week I’m hosting a charity event for men who can’t ejaculate.
If you can’t come let me know.
If a is for Apple and b is for banana….what is c for?
Plastic explosives
Some children treat their parents like god.
They acts like they don’t exist until they want something.
Son: Hey dad why won’t this screw go in
Dad: Make sure you're screwing down into the wood Son: Oh crap, I screwed up
Cascading opinion
Because downvotes are very offensive.
65,000,011 years ago
Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?" The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old." "That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?" The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."
[OC] Why shouldn’t you mention hair or skin while wearing deodorant?
The deodorant gets up in arms over them.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"How do you eat with that thing?"
A man is driving home from work when his wife calls him on his cell phone.
“Phil!” She shouts in panic, “Please be careful! I just heard that some lunatic is driving the wrong way on the highway.” “You won’t believe it, Doris,” he replies. “It’s not just one car; it’s hundreds of them!”
I want to tell you all about a girl that only ate plants.
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
Co-worker got a new drill and another co-worker responded, “Oh man, he’s got a gun!”
The followed response, "Guys calm down, it's just a drill."
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
Yesterday my 7 year old son asked me
Yesterday my seven year old son asked me "where does poo come from?". I was a little bit uncomfortable but I gave him an honest explanation. Then he looked at me a little perplexed for a few seconds and then he asked "And Tigger?"
My wife told me, “Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”
“You’re much bigger than that.”
Out of all the machines, the pulley is the most egotistical.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
A lot of things changed after my girlfriend got pregnant
Like my name, phone number, address…
Son: What rhymes with purple?
Dad: No it doesn’t
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight" the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him… He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you will be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either"
What’s an angry window made of?
Tempered glass
What do you call an annoyed lobster?
A frustacean
ABCDEFGHIJKLMNQRSTUVWXYZ
If you came here looking for an OP, you got it.
What do you call a crossword puzzle that only has bad words in it?
A cross word puzzle.
My wife and I had no idea what happiness meant until we had kids.
But by then, it was too late.
A Nazi walks into a bar
A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table. Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there." As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a nasty little smile. Surprisingly the Jew nods his head and sends a warm smile back. The Nazi is somewhat miffed, as this was not the reaction he expected. So he goes back to the bar "Barman, a second round for everyone but him, and this time take it all from the top shelf" Nazi looks again at the Jew, and notices that he is STILL smiling back, and even warmer than before "Is that Jew a complete fool or what?" he asks the barman. Bartender responds: "Oh no my generous friend, that gentleman is my boss and the owner of the bar"
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex…
But my girlfriend keeps insisting it says dyslexia
There are two guys stealing iPhones around the town
They are most likely going to face time
An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar…
The first asks for a pint of beer. The second asks for 1/2 of a pint of beer. The third asks for 1/4 of a pint of beer, etc. The bartender fills 2 pints of beer, and walks away.
Do i really need a hypnotist?
I'm open to suggestion.
Thats what happens when you follow Dr. Trump’s shady medical advice. You slightly croak.
https://ift.tt/3dralA7