What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has a pause at the end of its clause and one has claws at the end of its paws.
Her: Did you know Australia has 9 of the worldโs 10 deadliest snakes?
Me: Shit! One escaped?
How did the butcher introduce his wife?
โMeat Patty.โ
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because itโs cheaper…
How many germans do you need to change a lightbulb?
One, we are very efficient and not funny
A farmer has triplets, and they’re getting ready for prom night
. The first date arrives, and in redneck tradition, the farmer greets him with a shotgun in hand. The boy tells the farmer, "My name is Teddy, I'm here to pick up Betty, we're going to get spaghetti, is she ready?" The farmer looks the boy over, and then calls Betty to go with him. The second date arrives, and greeted by shotgun, nervously states, "My name is Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're gonna see a show, can she go?" The farmer thinks for a moment, then lets Flo go with Joe. The night's third suitor rings the bell. He says "My name is Chuck-" and the farmer shoots him.
A farmer accidentally overcooked his, one of a kind, psychic cow
He now has a rare medium well done
A mathematician walks into a bar, asks for a beer for himself, and then 10 beers for everyone else there.
The bartender says, โWow! Thatโs a different order of magnitude.โ
Did you hear about the fugitive’s wife?
She was a runaway bride
At a bar, my friend made a remarkable shot in pool, and I asked how he did it.
He said, "When I am about to take a shot, it's like magic, I can just see the line where I need to shoot." Then he threw a dart and got a bullseye on the first throw and I asked how he could aim the dart so well. He said, "When I am about to throw a dart, it's like magic, I can just see the line where I need to throw it." Later, he got in a fight with another guy at the bar. He threw a punch and missed badly. I asked how he could throw such a poorly aimed punch. He said, "There is no punch line."
A doctor, a priest and an engineer go golfing…
After only a few rounds, they get caught behind the worst group of golfers they've ever seen. After growing impatient from waiting for them to finish their holes, they go into the clubhouse to complain. "Let me explain," says the manager. "You see, those men all used to be firefighters, some of the best our city has ever seen. There was a fire here at the clubhouse about five years ago. Those heroic men saved our clubhouse from the fire. However, most unfortunately, they all lost their sight in the terrible fire. Since then, they are welcome to use our facilities for life; it's the very least we could do." The priest, looks forlorn and says, "I'm so sorry to hear it! I will hold a prayer service this Sunday dedicated to these men." The doctor says, "what an awful thing! I know a highly-regarded optometrist who has done some research that might be able to help them, I'll arrange for them to meet as soon as I can!" The engineer thinks for a moment and says, "why can't they golf at night?"
I caught my wife cheating with my best friend.
She was upset that I was always beating her, and he was jealous of how much money and property I had. I was so angry when I caught them that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.
So a guy and his gf are making out
and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood canโt be too bad. After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings. โOh shit, I have an important package coming, I have to get the door. I canโt wipe this blood off my face fast enough!โ said the guy. The gf tells him, โitโs ok, just tell the guy you were eating a jelly sandwich and didnโt have time to wipe your face.โ So the guy goes and opens the door to sign the package from the mailman but notices the mailman staring at him awkwardly. โOh this red stuff around my mouth is from my jelly sandwich, sorry about that.โ says the guy. The mailman, slightly confused, says โOhhhh… so is that peanut butter on your forehead?โ
Me: See? To prove I’m not a boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!
Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh? Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work! Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly.. Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.
Dude 1: โBro can you pass me that pamphlet?โ
Dude 2: โBrochure.โ
I went to a zoo that only had a dog in it.
It was a shih tzu
Can a Ninja throw Stars?
Shur-he-kan
An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, “I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?”
The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."
I hired an expert to exorcise my house, but I canโt afford to pay them.
Now Iโm afraid theyโll come back to repossess my house.
A student visits the principalโs office one day and the principal says to him, โWhatโs your name, son?โ He replies: โD-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.โ The principal looks up and asks him, โOh, do you have a stutter?โ
The student replies, โNo sir, my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was an asshole.โ
I saw a kidnapping
I decided to let him sleep
A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.
โWe have two big needs,โ said the village headman. โFirst, we have a hospital but no doctor.โ The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: โI have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?โ โWe have no cellphone reception at all in our village.โ
How many alzheimer’s patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side!
Out here in Virginia protecting my potatoes just like President Trump said ๐ฅ๐ฅ๐ฅ
https://ift.tt/2XkWCUf
Why dont ants get sick?
Because they have anty bodies.
My wife got mad just because I hoovered up her contact lenses
Well, I guess she was wearing them at the time.
Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump…
But thatโs comparing apples to oranges.
My wife is amazing
She just bought me a $500,000 life insurance policy and a free all-inclusive trip to the Dominican Republic!
I finally left 99.
He couldn't keep it 100 with me.
So, Schrodinger walks into a vet with his cat.
The nurse takes the cat, goes into the room, and comes out 10 minutes later. "Sir, we have good news and bad news."
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang a picture
I wasn’t sure if this belonged here, r/im14andthisisdeep, or r/forwardsfromgrandma
https://ift.tt/33rtjjN
A LONG ONE( but worth it): One wet, cold morning…
A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing. As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus, opened the doors and called out to the soaking wet person laying there. "Hey, buddy!" The guy sat up and looked as wet and cold as he was drunk. "Hey fella, get outta the rain and on the bus." "I can't", mumbled the drunk, "I don't haff any money." "Nevermind that, get on the bus", said the driver kindly. So the drunk staggers up the steps and plonks down in the seat across from the driver. He looked so bedraggled and sad that the driver wanted to make him feel at least a little bit happier. So he says to the drunk, "Hey, buddy, hey watch this!" He stops the bus and a sour-looking older woman gets on, shaking her umbrella. She deposits her fare, and as she goes past the driver, he says, "Tickle your c#nt with a feather?" The woman wheels around, "What did you say?!!" The driver answers, "Typical country weather….Don't you agree?" The woman is red-faced and embarrassed at what she thought she heard and mumbles yes, she agrees and sits herself well down the back. The drunk is smiling a bit, so the driver knows its having a positive effect. "Watch this one", he says. Sure enough, at the next stop another woman gets on. She looks like she's never cracked a smile in her life. As she drops in her fare and starts to move past the driver, he mumbles, "Tickle your snatch with a feather?" The woman gasps and says,"I beg your pardon?!!" To which the driver answers, "I said typical nasty weather." The woman is completely shaken and apologises and agrees, yes the weather is atrocious. Then hurries to her seat. Now the drunk is chuckling quite freely. The driver leans over and says to the drunk, "Why don't you do the next one?" The drunk shakes his head, "No, I'm too dr-dr-drunk." "Nah", says the driver, "you do this one." So as the bus stops, the drunk pulls himself up straight in the seat, smooths his clothes out and stares straight ahead. His face is a study in concentration. As the lady pays her fare and begins to pass by the drunk, he says in a clear, strong voice, "SCRATCH YER C#NT WITH A STICK?" The woman, absolutely shocked, turns to the drunk and says, "WHAT did you say to me?!!" "F#ckin' cold, eh?!"