What is the German word for constipation ?
Fahrfrahmpoopin
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog…
Caveman discovers weed
Caveman discovers fire Stone age begins
I was at the grocery store, confused about how much lettuce to buy. So I called my wife for advice.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?
A lip reader.
What’s the difference between a tuna, a piano, and an owl?
You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna.
Why do Navy ships have barcodes on them?
So you can Scandinavian.
Asked My Parents if I was an accident
Mom: No, no, why would you think that? Dad: It was a more of a tragedy, really.
Billy’s mom comes home. “Billy, what’s wrong?” -“Dad hanged himself in the attic!” he said in tears.
The mother rushes to the attic in a panic, quickly followed by her son. As she gets up to the attic, she notices that nothing is there, and little Billy started giggling. HaHaHa! April fool's mommy!!! He hanged himself in the basement!"
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later she awakes, and asks the doctor about her baby…
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, they’re both fine. Luckily, your brother was here to name them for you Woman: Oh no! Not my brother, he’s an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman: Well that isn’t so bad, and what did he name the boy? Doctor: Denephew EDIT: Wow, thanks for the silver kind stranger!
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.98, deer nuts are under a buck.
I added Paul Walker as a friend on X-box…
But he spends all his time on his dashboard
Did you hear about the cow who tried to jump over a barbed wire fence?
It was udder destruction.
The wife is giving birth, but she was in severe pain.
"There's is an option," Said the doctor, "I had invented the machine that transfers the pain of the mother to its father, the only thing is that the pain will be 10 times more intense." The husband, being the man he was, told the doctor to do it. The doctor turned it up to 10%, the husband stood like nothing happened. Then the doctor raised it to 50%, the husband didn't even flinch a bit. "it's a wonder!" said the doctor, " do you feel any pain?" "not a bit," said the husband, "turn it to 100%" "Are you sure?" said the doctor:"you can die from such pain" The husband agreed and the pain meter got up to 100%, but he still felt nothing. When the couple got home, the mailman is dead on the front porch,
A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, ‘Father,may I ask a favor?’
‘Of course child. What can I do for you?’ ‘Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electric hair dryer for my Mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps? ‘I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.’ ‘With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.’ When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.. The official asked, ‘Father, do you have anything to declare?’ ‘From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.’ The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, ‘And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?’ ‘I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.’ Roaring with laughter, the official said, ‘Go ahead, Father. Next!
What do you call a turkey’s evil twin?
A Gobblegänger.
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused on my trip to Japan
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia
My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games
What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4
Just spent 6 hours linking all my watches together to make a belt…
It was a complete waist of time…
Orion’s belt is a huge waist of space.
Terrible joke. 3 stars.
What do you call a magical bra?
An abracadabra.
What do Mormons play instead of “Fuck, Marry, Kill”?
Marry, Marry, Marry
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer
than the men who mention it.
Justice is best served cold…
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater!
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there's not mushroom!
A Scotsman and Irishman walk into a bar…
As they walk in the Scotsman proclaims loudly for all to hear “Drinks for the house, on me!” The next day in the newspaper the headlines reads ‘Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death”
A physicist see a man about to jump from a ledge. He yells.
"Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
A Firefighter ran into a school holding a screwdriver and yelled…
Quick, everyone get out, this is NOT a drill!
My son asked me for $100 in bitcoins.
I said, "$9 in bitcoins, why would you want $67 in bitcoins?"
What a stark contrast between a functional Government and the Trump administration
https://ift.tt/3bfP76d
You can accuse virgins of a lot of things
But when it comes to relationships, they ain't fucking around.
I was thinking they should change the name of the wishbone to the Napoleon.
Because you pull the Bonaparte.
The world’s worst impressionist walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Why the wrong face?”
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Why did the man blush when he opened the refrigerator?
He saw the salad dressing.
I always lie behind my wife’s back and I hate it…
I want to be the little spoon too sometimes.
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I’m nervous she won’t be able to pull it off.
Sometimes I wonder what my parents did for fun before the internet.
I asked my 32 brothers and sisters, but they didn't know either.
I like the sound of “fiancé”
It has a ring to it.
To the man who invented 0
Thanks for nothing
Losing a rifle in the army can get you a fine over over £500
I am starting to finally understand why navy captains go down with the ship
