What is the German word for constipation ?
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog…
Caveman discovers fire Stone age begins
Turns out two heads are better than one.
A lip reader.
You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna.
So you can Scandinavian.
Mom: No, no, why would you think that? Dad: It was a more of a tragedy, really.
Billy’s mom comes home. “Billy, what’s wrong?” -“Dad hanged himself in the attic!” he said in tears.
The mother rushes to the attic in a panic, quickly followed by her son. As she gets up to the attic, she notices that nothing is there, and little Billy started giggling. HaHaHa! April fool's mommy!!! He hanged himself in the basement!"
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later she awakes, and asks the doctor about her baby…
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, they’re both fine. Luckily, your brother was here to name them for you Woman: Oh no! Not my brother, he’s an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman: Well that isn’t so bad, and what did he name the boy? Doctor: Denephew EDIT: Wow, thanks for the silver kind stranger!
Beer nuts are $1.98, deer nuts are under a buck.
But he spends all his time on his dashboard
It was udder destruction.
"There's is an option," Said the doctor, "I had invented the machine that transfers the pain of the mother to its father, the only thing is that the pain will be 10 times more intense." The husband, being the man he was, told the doctor to do it. The doctor turned it up to 10%, the husband stood like nothing happened. Then the doctor raised it to 50%, the husband didn't even flinch a bit. "it's a wonder!" said the doctor, " do you feel any pain?" "not a bit," said the husband, "turn it to 100%" "Are you sure?" said the doctor:"you can die from such pain" The husband agreed and the pain meter got up to 100%, but he still felt nothing. When the couple got home, the mailman is dead on the front porch,
‘Of course child. What can I do for you?’ ‘Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electric hair dryer for my Mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps? ‘I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.’ ‘With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.’ When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.. The official asked, ‘Father, do you have anything to declare?’ ‘From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.’ The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, ‘And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?’ ‘I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.’ Roaring with laughter, the official said, ‘Go ahead, Father. Next!
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia
What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4
It was a complete waist of time…
Terrible joke. 3 stars.
Marry, Marry, Marry
than the men who mention it.
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater!
Because there's not mushroom!
As they walk in the Scotsman proclaims loudly for all to hear “Drinks for the house, on me!” The next day in the newspaper the headlines reads ‘Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death”
"Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
Quick, everyone get out, this is NOT a drill!
I said, "$9 in bitcoins, why would you want $67 in bitcoins?"
But when it comes to relationships, they ain't fucking around.
Because you pull the Bonaparte.
The bartender says, “Why the wrong face?”
Man who run in front of car get tired.
He saw the salad dressing.
I want to be the little spoon too sometimes.
I’m nervous she won’t be able to pull it off.
I asked my 32 brothers and sisters, but they didn't know either.
It has a ring to it.
Thanks for nothing
I am starting to finally understand why navy captains go down with the ship