What is the number one cause of Dry Skin?
Towels
I would tell you guys a joke about this girl I know who only eats greens, however
You guys probably never heard of herbivore
I keep having this dream about a horse in full battle armor.
Actually it's probably more of a knight mare.
My wife says that I wasted money by ordering a 3 meter wide frame for our wedding photo.
Well, I think she should look at the bigger picture.
A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away… Wait a sec, only 21 years ago, in the USA.
https://ift.tt/348RRPF
Thank goodness we have “judge” Jeanine Pirro to help us with the legal language.
https://ift.tt/2tO6Ql2
I’d be a terrible NASCAR driver
because I'm always right.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows on too high.
She looked surprised.
What do you give to a sick pig?
Oink-ment
3 guys were sitting in a biker bar.
A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table. He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face. And said, “I went by your grandma’s house and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is fine!” The biker looked at him and didn’t say a word. His buddies were confused, because he was a bad ass and would fight at he drop of a hat. The drunk leaned on the table again. And he said “I got it on with your grandma. And she is good. The best I ever had!” The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad. The drunk leaned on the table again and said,”I’ll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!” The biker stood up and took the drunk by the shoulder. And said, “Damn it, Grandpa, you’re drunk! Go home!”
Ye Ol’Chemist had a lab,
ene-yne-ene-yne-one
Want to hear my latest joke about the Fibonacci sequence?
It's as good as my previous two Fibonacci sequence jokes put together!
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
"Do you smell carrots?"
Why did the blond put lipstick on her fourhead?
Because she wanted to make her mind.
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Add spring water.
An Irish Skydiver
Paddy was telling Mick about his first sky-dive. When I got to the door of the plane I just couldn't jump so the 6ft 7inch black instructor unzips his fly and says: 'If you don't jump you're getting this baby right up your arse!' " Mick asks: "Did you jump?" Paddy replies: "A little bit when it first went in."
What is a thousand times better than instagram?
Instakilogram
How does the moon cut his hair.
Eclipse it
What’s the difference between a rimshot and a rimjob?
One goes ba dum tiss, the other is da bum kiss.
A barber in my town was arrested for illegal drug trade. It was shocking, I have been his customer for years.
Never knew he was a barber.
My inflatable dock burst after my friends kept telling me to fill it with more air.
Too much pier pressure.
Whats ET short for
It’s because his legs are little
Re-watching it now and the scene at the cement place lol
Re-watching it now and the scene at the cement place lol
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father." The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence." The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well…?" She replies, "My son is a charismatic, 6'2", hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God."
If I’m offering you my seat, you fucking take it.
I don't need this "omg i cant drive a train" shit
I have a math joke
But I’m 22 to say it
My friend looked at me and said, “That’s a nice-ass shirt you are wearing!”
I said, “Thanks, but I think we call them pants, not an ass shirt.”
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
Just ordered eggs and a chicken off Amazon.
I’ll let you know.
Dad: *washing car with son*
Son: Dad, can't you just use a sponge ?
I’ve just discovered that I have a logic fetish
I can't stop coming to conclusions
“I’ve just had the worst time” the boy said.
"First I had angina pectoris, and then arteriosclerosis. As I was recovering, I got psoriasis. Hypodermics was followed by tonsillitis, and lastly they gave me appendectomy." "Wow!" said his friends."How did you survive?" "I don't know" said the boy. "Toughest spelling test I've ever had"
A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.
So he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it's closed. He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. While at the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes that its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he leaves. When he arrives home, his wife is waiting for him and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!" she asks. "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and… "You liar!! You went bowling again!!"
I have a pen that can write underwater.
It can write other words too.
A writer approached me today acting strange and asked me to help him find his back garden…
I think he's lost the plot…
I was using ancestry.com and I found out that my great grandfather was from Transylvania.
Now I can’t even look myself in the mirror.
What do you call the sweat created from sex in Alabama?
Relative humidity.
I’m trying to form a really good pun about yoga, but it isn’t working out.
I know, it was a stretch.