What is the number one cause of dry skin?
Towels.
4 Bedroom, “2” bathrooms – Perfect New Home for a Systems Admin
I am not poking fun at anyone for being lower income, you can tell by the picture it’s a nice home. But in my search for a home I found this house and their master “bathroom” really sold me.https://imgur.com/j1345OnPlease post all potty IT jokes
Why did the sculpter evacuate his house?
He had a mold problem
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents!
I think I had my first dad joke moment
I was driving my daughter (10F) to her dance class. Although we have taken this route countless times before and she never said a word about it before, she did this time and said as she was looking out the window while driving by a particular area, "Why would anyone build a daycare next to a cemetery?" Without thought, I said "I don't know, but I bet their neighbors are quiet" There was a second or two pause and then she said "Daaaaaaad." My chest puffed up with pride for several miles as I thought I had just crossed the line into Dad Jokedom!
How do you get a farm girl to like you?
A tractor.
What’s more Irish than potatoes?
Not having potatoes.
A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work…
We were able to lift his coffin.
My wife is a body builder.
Yep, she’s pregnant.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider?
You spend too much time on the web
How do you catch a cursor fish?
click bait
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
What do you call an annoyed lobster?
A frustacean
My neighbor had a BBQ party, and some guest threw a grill at his face.
The attack made headlines.
What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?
One snatches your watch and the other one watches your snatch.
If a woman from Cuba marries a man from Iceland
Are their children called ice cubes?
There are 10 types of people in this world.
Those that understand binary, and those who don't.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school yesterday?
He is fine. He woke up
What’s the difference between a pizza and a musician?
A pizza can feed a family of four.
Job Interview: “What is your greatest weakness”
"Honesty" "I don't think honesty is a weakness." "I don't give a fuck what you think."
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Reddit should rename ‘share’ to ‘spreddit’, ‘delete’ to ‘shreddit’ and ‘karma’ to ‘creddit’.
Yet they haven't. I don't geddit.
Why did the protons vote for Harry Potter to be president?
Because they didn't want to elect ron
Not One Republican Voted To Remove A Domestic Terrorist From Office…. Not One
https://ift.tt/2vazgX4
Why shouldn’t you trust atoms?
Because they make up everything!
A woman listen’s in on her 4 year old playing with his train set
“All those getting off, go on fuck off, and all those gettin on fucking hurry up” The woman smacks his bum and sends him upstairs till he’s learned his lesson. 2 hours later the boy comes back down, says sorry to his mum and carries on playing, Mum listens in: ”all those departing thank you for travelling with us and have a good day! All those boarding, mind the gap and have a safe journey!…And all those who are upset by the 2 hour delay, blame the fat cunt in the kitchen!
What do you call an unvaccinated Italian?
Marco Polio
If I had 50c every time I failed a maths test…
I'd have $6.30 right now
