What is the phobia of chainsaws called?
Hit single scientists in your area
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high
She seemed surprised
A flat earther posted this on Facebook
What do you call a pirate’s trash?
Not to point fingers at either language
Not bad boomers not bad
My friend is obsessed with taking blurry pictures of himself while taking a shower.
He has serious selfie steam issues.
I wanted to write a movie script about a retired CIA agent who has to rely on his old skills to save his kidnapped daughter, but that idea was taken.
So I thought instead I'd write a script about a retired CIA operative who is taken hostage along with his wife in Instanbul, but that idea was taken, too.
I’m scared of π
It's an irrational fear
I own only two types of clothes— I wear my gym clothes when I exercise.
For formal occasions, I wear my James clothes.
“Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in reading!”
Dad: That’s a D, idiot.
If I’m being subjective, the greatest sci-fi show of all time is Dr. Who.
If I’m being objective, it is Dr. Whom.
Joining the Boys in next year’s edition
Student: Are well and actually both one syllable words
Teacher: Well yes , but actually no
Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve?
All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.
Reverse cowgirl is set to be outlawed in Alabama.
Cause you don't turn your back on family.
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop…
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up."
Sexual assault good.
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog
What is my purpose?
The exact moment a “states rights” president claims total authority over them.
You guys hear about the depressed plumber?
He’s going through a lot of crap right now.
Recursion well explained
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there's not mushroom!
There’s always a bigger fish
What do you call a psychic dwarf that escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
Therapist: It seems like you have an acute phobia of marriage. Do you understand the symptoms?
Man: Can’t say that I do. Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
I called Serena Williams to interview her for a magazine article and asked, “So Serena, What’s your favorite planet?”
Her: It’s Venus. Me: I’m sorry Venus. Could you put Serena on the phone?
Pushups are the best form of exercise.
I think we all know the answer.
I am giving up drinking for a month
Sorry that came out wrong. I am giving up. Drinking for a month.
Everytime you wanna apply to the job
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?”
The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?"
What do you call a group of Nazi birds?
We certainly couldn’t say it when Obama was President!
I have an award winning penis.
four hours and counting
How come Grizzlies never wear shoes?
Why do you think they're always Bearfoot 24/7?
thank you ma’am bomer
What does a vegan say after meeting someone new?
Nice to meat — ew!
Marriage is hard, amirite?
Its sad how im doing this from my phone
My boyfriend’s dad just sent him this. What is this even supposed to mean?
Fast as hell!
Colors of ViSiBLe LiGHt
I started a new job. My boss said “Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky”. I said “My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick”
She said: how do you get dick from kyle? I replied: you just ask nicely. Edit: im now looking for a new job :/
Imagine having an appendixThis post was made by the appendicitis gang
Glad google is doing good, but most of y’all ain’t
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, idiot!”
Why do they all use this font?
Shovels are amazing.
They were truly a ground breaking invention.
1968 vs 2020
Modern problems require modern solutions
Time to play golf.
*Someone who actually knows C++
good boomer humor
My brother went to his AA meeting drunk, then he tripped down the stairs.
He's been having lots of trouble with the steps lately.