What is the point of titles on this sub
Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.
Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting. The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The startled lad rolled it down and said, “Yes, Officer?” “What are you doing?” the cop asked. “Isn’t it obvious?” the young man replied. “I’m reading today’s newspaper.” Pointing to the blonde in the backseat, the policeman grunted, “And what’s she doing?” “I believe she’s knitting a sweater,” the guy behind the wheel responded. “How old are you?” the cop inquired. “I’m 22, Officer.” “And the girl—how old is she?” The dude in the driver’s seat looked at his watch and said, “She’ll turn 18 in ten minutes.”
The only thing that Flat-Earthers fear.
Is sphere itself.
Why did the reluctant knight finally decide to join the crusade?
The king offered him a free palace stein
A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet. The little boy says, "It's dark in here." The man whispers, "Yes, it is." Boy – "I have a baseball." Man – "That's nice." Boy – "Want to buy it?" Man – "No, thanks." Boy – "My dad's outside." Man – "OK, how much?" Boy – "$250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together. Boy – "It's dark in here." Man – "Yes, it is." Boy – "I have a baseball glove." Man – Remembering last time, asks, "How much?" Boy – "$750." Man – "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says "$1,000." The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "It's dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that crap again!"
What’s the difference between COVID-19 and Romeo & Juliet?
One’s a Coronavirus and the other is a Verona crisis
My baby just swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
The next diaper change could spell disaster.
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100
An absolute 10, but also imaginary.
A young lad walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist I need a pack of 3 condoms.
The pharmacist replies “are you really going to need 3?” The young lad says “yeah, I’ve got a meal at my girlfriend’s place tonight and I think her mum and her sister both fancy me so I’m gonna smash all three of them, they’re really sexy!” The pharmacist gives him the condoms and says “lucky you!” Later that night, the young lad is sat at the dinner table with his girlfriend and her mum and sister when her dad comes in and sits down at the table. The young lad sinks into his chair and starts to pray. The girlfriend says “I didn’t know you were religious.” The young lad replies “I didn’t know your dad was a pharmacist!”
How do you introduce a hamburger?
“meet patty”
My pet spider died so I went to the pet shop for a new one. They were so expensive.
Fortunately, I got one free off the web.
I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.
It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.
The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.
Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling." Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting." Her Majesty: "Fascinating. Very well, carry on." All is well, until a few doors down the Queen sees a beautiful blonde nurse giving another patient a blowjob. Her Majesty: "Now what's this?" Nurse: "He's suffering from the same condition as that other patient, but this man has much better health insurance."
My son is now at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Professor X to JK Rowling:
Professor X: "What's your power?" JK Rowling: "I can rewrite the past of fictional characters." Gay Professor X: "Interesting."
What’s the male version of a Karen called?
I don’t know but a group of them is called a Senate.
Why did Ross Geller from Friends drown?
He wasn’t a good Schwimmer.
It’s been 4 years since my last job interview
I’m beginning to suspect they got someone else
My coworker went to HR and filed a complaint against me after I praised her butt.
Say what you want, harassment something to me.
A sweet, little old lady walks into a bar frequented by the baddest biker gang around.
She walks up to the leader, a real mountain of a man, and say she wants to join. He can barely contain his laughter, and decides to have some fun with her before he tells her off. "Do you even own a bike?" he asks. "I do. It's parked right outside." "Do you swear?" "More than a fucking sailor." She says. "Do you drink?" "Like a fish." The leader is surprisingly impressed, and asks one more question. "Well, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The old lady thinks for a minute, and then says "No, but I've been swung around by the nipples before."
Everyone says Asians are bad at driving
I'm starting to think pearl harbour was an accident
What do you call a Communist sniper?
A Marx-man
I hate people who watch street performances but never give the artists any money.
But then I’m a mime, so I can’t really talk.
An atheist is hiking in the woods…
So an atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror，‟ Oh God，help me!!!” Suddenly，everything–the bear，the trees，the birds，everything but the man–freezes. The man sees the clouds part as a deep heavenly voice reaches his ears. ‟So，all your life，You deny My existence，yet now you call for My aid now that death is upon you? I am sorry，My son，but it is too late.” The atheist thinks quickly. ‟Well，God，if it is too late for me to become a Christian，how about you just convert the bear?” Time begins moving again，and the bear immediately stops its roaring，kneels quietly and respectfully，and begins speaking. ‟O Lord，bless this meal in which I am about to partake…”
What do you say to your sister when shes crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Whoever coined the phrase “dad-bod” missed a golden opportunity…
Should've called it "the Father-figure"
The urge to sing the lion sleeps to night is just
A whim away a whim away a whim away
I think I will start telling my friends about eating dried grapes
It's all about raisin awareness
Did I ever tell you about the girl that only ate plants?
I can't believe I never mentioned herbivore.
What do upholstery and Ex-Lax have in common?
The can both soften your stool.