what is the sound of an ambulance in an anime?
weebo weebo
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Let's go ride bikes!
(NSFL) What’s the difference between a homeless woman and a hockey player?
A hockey player showers after three periods.
Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.
The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy. They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty." The devil, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature. He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing. "Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!" The devil realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth. He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement. He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!" They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…”
"Thanks, man," he replied, "I've been practising a lot."
My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping.
โฆwith a really angry bear somewhere close by.
So a guy and his gf are making out
and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood canโt be too bad. After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings. โOh shit, I have an important package coming, I have to get the door. I canโt wipe this blood off my face fast enough!โ said the guy. The gf tells him, โitโs ok, just tell the guy you were eating a jelly sandwich and didnโt have time to wipe your face.โ So the guy goes and opens the door to sign the package from the mailman but notices the mailman staring at him awkwardly. โOh this red stuff around my mouth is from my jelly sandwich, sorry about that.โ says the guy. The mailman, slightly confused, says โOhhhh… so is that peanut butter on your forehead?โ
My parents made me go to Stockholm with them on holiday…
… I didnโt like it at first.
You can’t take a photo of a man with a wooden leg.
You really need a camera
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
Its not hard
People call me Mr. Compromise…
Wasn't my first choice for a nickname, but I can live with it…
There’s a guy on boat with two cigarettes and nothing else. How does he light one?
He throws a cigarette off the boat and the boat becomes…a cigarette lighter
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
No text found
A little British boy raises his hand to ask his teacher a question
"Miss, My mother says freedom is the most beautiful thing in the world. What does freedom mean?" The teacher seeing the importance of this question for the sweet, innocent child, thinks quickly about how best to respond. She smiles sweetly and says "Why don't you come up and tell the class what you think freedom is dear" The little boy comes up to the front of the class and the teacher hands him a big thick dictionary of english. "Go on dear, find us the definition of freedom" The boy arrives at the section for F and finds the definition. "Freedom means doing whatever you want whenever you feel like it with total disregard for others no matter the consequences it has for the people around you or the destruction it causes. Freedom is the broken record answer you give to end every reasonable arguement where someone tries to get you to do something you don't feel like doing." The teacher is shocked, The class looks up stunned and confused and the little boy bows his head in dissapointment, tears filling his eyes. About to console the little boy, the teacher notices the cover of the dictionary and beams a bright smile. "Don't worry class!" she rejoices, "That one is American English" Made in response to all the lockdown protestors in America who won't stfu and stop putting their country to shame. They don't define America Edit: I'm confused by the angry Americans, Why come to r/jokes without your sense of humour. It's not meant as a slight to america as a whole, just that small group who are protesting the lockdowns.
People keep saying today is Pi day
But to me, March 14th will always be cake day.
I spotted a bunch of people in a long line and asked with a laugh “is this the punch line?”
One of them responded, "pho queue." The guy lied. There wasn't any soup noodles.
You know why they named it the โbellโ
Because it has a nice ring to it
I’m terrified of 2022
Because 2022 is 2020 too
How many magicians does it take to pull a rabbit out of a hat?
One. It's a trick question.
I plant my herbs in alphabetical order
You might ask how i find the time It's easy it's right there next to the sage
I woke up this morning, looked down at my hands, and heard a voice yell, โDeath to America!โ
I think I might have terror wrists.
I finally thought of a clock joke
It's about time
And for my next trick, I will dissapear
Fuck you pear, you taste like shit
What’s 50 Cent’s name in Zimbabwe?
400 Million dollars
A young lady, jobless and spurned by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself.
She has nothing, no friends, no family, she just wants to end it all. And as she's about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouts, "stop! Don't do it!!" And she says, "I've nothing in this world, I might as well end it!" And he says, "Listen, listen. It's a rotten world, sure. But never end the thing the lord gave us without changing everything first. I'm leaving tomorrow on a boat for Europe. I know one of the stevedores. I'll find you a place to stowaway, and we can start a new life over there. I'll make you happy. You'll make me happy. It doesn't have to be like this." And she agrees. That night they meet in darkness and he smuggles her aboard one of the lifeboats belowdeck. He brings her a blanket, and some food, and for three weeks they have this tryst. Each night he brings her a sandwich and they talk and make passionate love until the dawn. But. After the third week, the captain is doing a routine inspection belowdecks, and he hears a quiet rustling in one of the lifeboats And he pulls back the tarp and sees her, shaking in fear. "WHAT are you doing here, madam??" And she tells all, "I…I'm a stowaway! I have an…arrangement with one of the sailors on this ship. He's helping us get to Europe, and he lets me hide out in this lifeboat, smuggling me food." "And?" says the captain "And…well. He's screwing me." and the captain says, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry!"
READ BEFORE POSTING: Memeless Monday is now in effect!
(more like memeless quarter-of-sunday-and-monday today, starting a little earlier for administrative reasons).Memeless Mondays are now in effect, a system we’ve created that will hopefully improve content quality on the subreddit (at least for some part of the week).For the duration of this day, all image jokes must only use OC meme templates or not use any template at all (i.e. not be a meme).We won’t check for OC very thoroughly – if it isn’t on knowyourmeme and isn’t a quick edit of a template on kym, you’re probably fine.All posts made which break the above criterion will be removed; no strikes will be administered for this violation.Memeless Mondays end at 12AM EDT on Tuesday. If you have any concerns or changes you feel would improve this system, please send them via modmail. Thanks!Questions can go in this thread today, in the future please send them through modmail.
Why was the PTA meeting homicide difficult to solve?
Because it wasn't apparent who did it.
I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions…
Oh well, hindsight is 1
I hate how funerals are always at 9 or 10 am
I'm really not a mourning person.
Two American journalists are in London.
Two American journalists are in London attending a press convention. That evening they are in the bar chatting to fellow UK journalists when the subject of how headlines are written came up. The UK journo's commented that the Headlines in America are far too long. They need to be much shorter, and to the the point. "Interesting", said the American journ'o, "can you give us an example?" "Well", said the UK guy, "take this crime that happened yesterday, a mental patient escapes from the local funny farm, enters a laundry, rapes one of the washer women and runs off. What headline would you use?" The two thought for a moment and said." Maniac sexually assaults laundry worker and escapes". "See," Says the UK guy, "too long". "what's your headline then?", said the American. The UK guy smiles and said, "Nut screws washer and bolts".
My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight. I had to explain to him that I was married now…
…and that's where I sleep.
My friend asked if i had heard of Pavlov
But it didnt ring a bell
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away its broom.
My chemistry teacher asked me :
Teacher: Whatโs the monomer of rubber? Me: Is it monobber?
A guitarist goes to prison
In the cafeteria, everyone is telling stories on why theyโre here One man explains how he got caught robbing a bank Another tells the story of him getting busted selling drugs Another says how he killed someone Then they all ask the guitarist why heโs in here He replied: I fingered the wrong minor
Was searching for calculator project in github. Saw this. It belongs to here.
https://ift.tt/34G8X7p
NSFW
Deciding not to wear a helmet to your construction job.