what is the sound of an ambulance in an anime?

My wife kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don’t worry…

Toasters

Were the first form of pop up notifications

I recently walked down a street with the houses were numbered 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, 1mb etc

That was a trip down memory lane

I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

this drawing by a chinese artist (top) in response to another drawn in peru more than a month ago (bottom)

https://ift.tt/2U3iQbH

Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He neverlands.

Every continent except Antarctica has reported coronavirus cases.

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Two wind turbines sit in the ocean, one turns to the other and says “What music do you listen to?”

The turbine says “I’m a massive heavy metal fan”

I’ve tried to use the word “mucho” when speaking with my Hispanic friends.

It really means a lot to them.

I don’t know what it is about the straight response but I find it hilarious

https://ift.tt/2OntsA8

I want to die in my sleep like my grandpa

Not screaming like the passengers in the car.

A student goes to talk to his professor about his grade.

The student comes up to the professor, "What is this, why did you grade me an 80?" The professor looks at the exam again, "Yep, an 80 is what you deserve" The student takes the exam back, and asks "If I'll bite my own eye, will you give me an 85?" The professor is surprised, but still he agrees, at which point the student then takes out his glass eye – and bites it. The shocked professor then takes the exam back, and marks it 85. The student then says "If I'll bite my nose, will you give me a 90?" The professor is once again shocked, "He can't pull out his nose" he thinks to himself. He finally agrees, at which point the student takes out his dentures, and bites his own nose. The professor then once again takes the exam, and marks the grade 90. The student then makes another offer: "If I'll get up on this table, and pee the perfume Coco Chanel on you, will you give me a 100?" The professor now has to see what this kid can do, so he agrees. The student goes on the table, and pees all over the professor, the professor's shirt is soaking wet, as he goes to to sniff it. "What the hell?! This isn't Coco Chanel! This is piss!" The student then goes "Fine, we'll leave it at 90".

My wife told me the kid almost burned the house down

Now i’m really scared of arson

We Germans might not be humorous but we will still make fun of that joke of a president

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was sleeping at my girlfriends place last night, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep in the same bed… It made me proper angry because he’s actually really handsome.

http://bit.ly/2IfpBms

True

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A man walks into a bar…

The bartender asks "Why the long face?" The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death." The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself." The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?" The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy." The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar. A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face. "Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously. "Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please

My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.

She says “Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.” Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me. She asks “Do you want to have sex before she gets back?” I got up and went straight to my car. My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said “I knew I could trust you.” Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.