what is up with “oof”
The more you fuck around, the more you’re gonna find out
The more you fuck around, the more you’re gonna find out
Once I was a male trapped in a female body..
Then I was born.
I heard my son say his first words to me today…
Where have you been for the last 20 years?
A perfectionist walked into a bar.
Apparently the bar wasnโt set high enough.
You should never buy Velcro
Itโs a total ripoff
Daughter’s vibrator
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. He replied…………"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
42M with toilet paper seeking female with hand sanitiser …
… for some good clean fun
Jewish coming out
Yosef walks up to his mother. "Imma, I want you to know that I am homosexual and I will marry my boyfriend, Raul." After a long awkward silence she frowns. "Raul? That is not a Jewish name!"
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, “The baby’s coming! Don’t stop the car! Won’t make it! WON’T! CAN’T!”
"Driver, hurry!" I cried. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
I walked in the lounge to find my wife breastfeeding our son.
โHow long do you have to do that for?โ I asked. โWhen is he too old for it?โ โWell, itโs a physical bond between a mother and her child isnโt it? Itโs only the society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age.โ โYeah, shut up Joe โ I was talking to your mother.โ
As soon as you find someone with 10,000 bees, marry them.
Thatโs how you know theyโre a keeper.
How do you turn a pussy into an asshole?
Give it a badge and a gun
Somebody complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said โParking Fineโ. So that was nice.
I was having sex with my friend’s wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me…
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50…and I get $43 back from Medicare.
How many bones are in your hand?
About a handful
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, โLarry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?โ
Larry replies, โGod and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so Heโs fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When Iโm done, poof! The light goes off.โ โWow, thatโs incredible,โ the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larryโs wife. โBonnie,โ he says, โLarry is doing fine! But I had to call you because Iโm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when heโs done, poof, the light goes off?โ โOh sweet Jesusโ, exclaims Bonnie. โHeโs peeing in the refrigerator again!โ
Is โbuttcheeksโ one word?
Or should I spread them apart?
If you thought this year was strange, Iโve got some news for you.
2019 will be odd too.
A cop pulled me over and asked me, โWhere were you at 5-6?โ
I replied Kindergarten
Did you hear about the soldier who drank on the job?
He got tanked
I won a carnival goldfish once…
It had an irrational fear of ping pong balls.
If you pronounce “fuck off” backwards.
you say it in a British accent.
During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bath, then offer a spoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bath." "I understand," he replied. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon and the teacup." "No," replied the director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Spicy Marriage
I relabeled all of the jars in my wife's spice rack. I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is a cumin.
If having sex for money makes you a whore…
Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?
A dying mother talks to her son on her death bed
Mother: Before I die, I have to tell you something. You're ad- ado- Son: I'm adopted?! Mother: No, you're adorable Son: sniffs Thanks, mom Mother: That's why I chose you at the adoption center
Australians don’t have sex
They mate
What is blue and doesn’t weigh much?
Light blue.
What follows two eyes?
Captain.
Did you hear why the elevator repair guy was always so happy?
Itโs because his job was so uplifting.
Did you hear about the dyslexic satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa.
A Husband Whispers in his Wife’s Ear at the Bar
"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the bar where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it oh so well!" OK, he says, "Let's go there again, and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Marvin, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
I made my son some scrambled eggs and as he was eating them I turned to him and said
Are they all they were cracked up to be?