“What is your political philosophy?”
If it helps others or those less fortunate, then he will always ignore the problem
https://ift.tt/39jutk7
My son told me he didn’t understand cloning.
I told him, "That makes two of us".
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the fresh prints
Some scientists were able to recreate human vocal cords in a petri dish…
The results pretty much speak for themselves…
We all know where the Big Apple is…
But does anyone know where the Minneapolis Edit: some of us don't spend our lives on r/jokes and as such don't realise things are reposts.
My obese parrot died..
It was sad, but it was a huge weight off my shoulders..
A drunk in a bar is yelling “All lawyers are thieves”
The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy." The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?" "No, I'm a thief" says the guy.
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli is ?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
Imagine if America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There'd be mass confusion.
[NSFW] Hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents’ house to comfort her 95-year old grandmother.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied: ”He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Katie told her that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. ”Oh no, my dear” replies granny. ”Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring”. ”It was just the right rythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.” She pauses to wipe away a tear, and continued, ”He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”
An Englishman, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer.
The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded: "Yes" "Oui" "Sì" "Ja"
This Corona virus is a blessing
My wife doesn't want to travel anywhere. She no longer buys anything online, since everything comes from China. she doesn't go to the mall to avoid the crowds. she spends all of her time in a mask with her mouth closed. Best thing that has ever happened in my life.
If your Tesla gets stolen,
is it called an Edison now?
Back in the day, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Now, everyone owns a car and the rich have horses…
My, how the stables have turned!!
My wife caught me pissing in the kitchen sink, and got really mad at me. “You fucking prick, that’s so inappropriate!” she screamed. “Well, so is washing the baby in there, but I don’t angry at you about that!” I shouted back.
I think she realised she'd lost the argument, because she didn't even reply. She just lifted the baby out of the sink and went upstairs…
Otherwise
Otherwise
A blonde woman gets on a plane to Detroit and heads for a seat in first class, despite having an economy ticket…
A short while into the flight an air hostess notices she's in the wrong section of the plane and asks her to return to her allocated seat. The blond simply replied "no". Shocked and confused, the hostess insisted once more that she move, but the blond refused again. The hostess leaves to go get help from other attendants. Multiple women try their luck at explaining to the blond that she's in the wrong seat, but none prevail. Eventually, they seek the help of the Captain. "She's blonde, you say?" queried the Captain. The hostess' nod. "Shouldn't be an issue, my wife is blonde" The Captain gets up and approaches the woman – the hostess' watching from a distance. After a few seconds the blond quickly gathers her things and heads back to her seat. The Captain returns to the hostess'. Amazed, they ask how he did it. "It's simple, really" he said, "I just told her first class wasn't flying to Detroit" My mate told me this one when we were in 4th grade, I randomly just remembered it so I thought I'd share. It's not laugh-out-loud funny, but I think it warrants a short exhale out the nose <3
Says one spice to another
"Seasoned Greetings"
What’s brown and not very heavy ?
Light brown
Some may find it funny, some may find it sad. I make all of these out of dead rats!
https://ift.tt/2W2uLri
When I was a teen, my dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
An art thief broke into the Louvre.
Through careful studying of the building plans and months of meticulous planning, he was able to evade all the security and stole several priceless paintings. He then loaded the paintings into his van parked nearby. Just as he was about to leave, he heard the alarm go off in the building. Without a moment's hesitation, he kicked the van into high gear and sped away. However, his van ran out of gas less than 5 minutes later, and he was caught and arrested by the police. "I don't understand", Said the police officer. "How could you plan all that so carefully, yet forget to fill up your gas tank?" To which the thief replied: "But monsieur! Zat is exactly why I stole ze paintings! I had no Monet, to buy Degas, to make ze Van Gogh!"
Today I actually saw a dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall
I thought to myself, “now that’s a little condescending”
Our leaders vs local newscasters showing the importance of social distancing.
https://ift.tt/3djWjzY
A man rushes into the doctors’ office and screams, “Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed one of those ‘do not eat’ packets in a bag of pepperoni! Am I going to die?” The doctor tries to relax him by saying, “Well, everyone is going to die eventually.”
The man shrieks and responds, "Everyone?! Oh lord, what have I done?"
I named my horse Mayo,
and sometimes Mayo neighs.
My wife asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall” to her.
I said maybe-
Want to make your water bed more bouncy?
Use, spring water.
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A Do-you-think-he-saurus
I have an EpiPen
My friend gave it to me when he was dying. It seemed important for him that I have it.
Dad: What are you drinking?
Son: Soy Milk. Dad: Hola Milk, Soy Dad
My body is nicely defined.
If you look up the word "flabby".
Tell the Punchline first.
How do you ruin a joke?
What would you call a sword made of ice?
Excali-buuurrrrr
What do you call a dinosaur fart ?
A blast from the past
My son asked me and my SO why koala’s aren’t considered bears
I told him they don't have tge right koalafications. My SO sighed and left the room… She hasn't talked to me in 45min, guess that's how you know it's a dadjoke?
My wife is really mad at the fact i have no sence of direction,
So i packed up my stuff and right
As a conservative, I could never date an extrovert
Their socialism is just too much