What item can you buy at a hardware store that, if one costs $10, then ten will cost $20 and a hundred will cost $30?
House numbers.
The guys loitering on the street had been trolling this kid for a couple of years.
They'd hold out a nickle in one hand and a dime in the other and ask "Which one do you want? The nickle is bigger!" and the kid would always take the nickle. One day I took the kid aside and asked him "Don't you know the dime is worth twice as much?" He said "Yeah, but if I take the dime they won't ever do it again!"
What do you call a crocodile that is a detective?
An investi-gator
“Why are you wearing a surgical mask?” I asked the barista.
She said, "It's not a mask. It's a coughy filter."
I was reading a book about Stockholm Syndrome the other day.
It was really bad to begin with, but by the end I quite liked it.
Whats the hardest thing about having sex with a blind woman?
Getting her husband's voice juuust right
I hate jokes about infinity
They always take forever to say… ha ha?
A Jewish mother goes on a flight
The plane takes off. After a while she stands up and ask loudly: “is there a doctor in this plane?” A man comes quickly and say: “I’m a doctor, what happened?” The woman replies: “would you like to meet my daughter?”
My wife is yelling at me for having a boner at her mothers funeral
My response, “I can’t help it, it’s mourning wood”
What happens when an artist can’t take criticism?
They take Poland, instead.
“I always try to go the extra mile for my customers.”
Said the city's most hated cab driver.
Just found out I’ve failed my German exam…
Sacre bleu!
I saw a sign that said “Rest area 25 miles”…
I thought,wow, that's pretty big
How can you tell all ants are female?
Cause if they were males they’d be uncles
My boss told me to have a good afternoon…
so I went home.
Why is this so easy? (X-Post from r/harrypottermemes u/themagiclady, link in the comments)
https://ift.tt/31oljPB
I’ve failed in Maths more times than I can count.
No text found
Conservatives would have cheered for rise of The Empire and the fall of Liberty.
https://ift.tt/2ZoEPvJ
Communist jokes can be funny
But only if everyone gets them
My wife just left me for an Indian man.
I'm sure he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
Why should the number 288 never be mentioned in company?
Because it is two gross.
Two fish are in a tank.
One says to the other: "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
A guy hears a noise on his roof. He goes outside and sees a large black bear on the roof.
So he calls an animal trapper and explains the situation. The trapper says he'll be right over. About an hour later, the trapper rolls up in a huge pickup truck with a large metal cage in the bed. He gets out of the truck followed by a tough looking pitbull. The dog looks pretty beat up, with a torn ear, a jagged pink scar running down its side, and what appears to be a chunk of its lip missing. The guy looks nervously at the dog. "So, what's the plan?" he says, shaking the trapper's hand. "Pretty simple, actually," the trapper says as he unloads a ladder. "I climb up onto the roof, knock the bear to the ground. Then Trigger here grabs the bear by the balls and drags it to the cage. The bear will go in to get away from the dog, the cage door will snap shut, and we're done." The guy looks dubiously from the dog to the bear to the cage. The trapper then pulls a shotgun out of a holster in the back of the truck and hands it to the guy. "Wait, what's the shotgun for?" the guy asks. "Simple. When I climb the roof, if the bear knocks me off, shoot the fucking dog."
A linguistic professor was giving a lecture.
" In English, a double negative becomes a positive. But it is not true for every language. In Russian, a double negative still remains a negative. However, there is no language where a double positive can form a negative." Student – "yeah, right".
If a Tesla got stolen…
Would it then be called an Edison?
What does a house wear?
Address
Why is a minnow always the first suspect for a crime?
Because he's always a little fishy
