What kind of bees produce milk ?
Boo bees
I called the tinnitus hotline
It didn't stop ringing
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s keys in the door. “Stay where you are”, she said. “He would be so drunk that he would hardly notice”.
The husband lurched in the bed and within a few minutes, slept. A few minutes later the woman, (unsatisfied), asked her lover to continue. The man was too scared so the woman said, "He is so messed up I'll pull out one of his butt hairs and he won't move a bit". So she did and He didn't move at all. They did it. A couple of hours later, she repeats the process – he is still passed out – they repeat the pairing. Then Just before dawn the wife wants one more ride. So she reaches over and plucks a third ass hair! Whereupon the husband looks at the lover and says, "I don't mind you screwing my wife but do you have to keep score on my ass??
My friend was found guilty of using too many commas.
The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.
What has two butts and kills people ?
An assassin
I just paid $350 for a limousine, but found out it didnt have a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffeur it.
Murphy’s law states that if something bad can happen, it will.
Cole's law is basically just cabbage.
My stupid cousin thinks he’s collected one of every board game ever made.
That idiot doesn't have a Clue.
What do you call an atheist church?
A non-prophet organization! ππ
A dude was wondering why a rock was getting bigger
Then it hit him
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now Iβm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Scientists removed the right half brain of a man…
…and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right-half back and removed the left-half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"
My first job was working at an orange juice factory
..but, I got canned because I couldnβt concentrate.
I asked a poor pirate why he had a seagull on his shoulder instead of a proper parrot.
"Arrrr…it were on sail."
I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.
Oh wait, my bad. That wasnβt my waiter.
An F-15 pilot was assigned to escort an aged B-52 Bomber
Being a bit bored he started executing loops and rolls, never worried about being able to catch up to his lumbering charge. He got on the radio to boast to the BUFF pilot. "Ha! Anything you can do, I can do better!" The bomber pilot replies, "Oh, yeah? Let's see you do this!" and keeps flying straight and level. The fighter jock asks, "Um… What did you do?" The B-52 pilot says, "I just shut down two engines."
What is the definition of a will?
Come on guys it's a dead giveaway
We were eating lunch…
Before our hike, my wife offered my sister-in-law some fruit. She said "no thanks, I had a pear on the way here." Without skipping a beat, I said "you mean you came pre-peared?"
Want to hear my latest joke about the Fibonacci sequence?
It's as good as my previous two Fibonacci sequence jokes put together!
Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction,
and name it ElonGates.
Do you know the worst thing about the fire in Paris?
There's Notre Dame thing we can do about it
My dad died last year when my family couldnβt remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him.
As he died, he kept insisting for us to βbe positiveβ, but itβs hard without him.
Why is the mens bathroom always on the left?
Because women are always right.
I asked 10 people what LGBT stands for
But I never got a straight answer
My name is ______
But you can call me anytime
I told the doctor at the ER that I could do my own stitch work.
He replied βOkay, suture selfβ
I was recently asked to name two structures that contain water
I responded "Well, dam"
I once swallowed a dictionary
It gave me thesaurus throat I ever had
I’ve always had an irrational fear of speed bumps.
But I'm slowly getting over it.
If I throw jam into traffic
Is it now traffic jam
My wife told me im unable to describe my feelings
Canβt say that Iβm surprised
My boyfriend keeps talking about overthrowing capitalism in a violent revolution
Could this be a red flag?
My kids ask me why I always knock on the refrigerator door before I open it.
I say, "Because there may be a salad dressing."
Four men went golfing together one day…
Three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he's so successful that he gave a friend a new home – for free." The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillac's." The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio." The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. He is also amazing. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."
Trump, Clinton, Obama, and Bush each ran a mile.
Trump made a time of 11:56 Clinton was slightly faster, timing at 11:31 Obama was very fast, he ran a 10:03 But Bush did 9:11
A man walks into a bar…
then goes to the bathroom. He comes out, goes to the bartender. He says βyouβve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?β The bartender turns to the band and yells, βFrank, Iβve got a lead on the guy who pissed in your sax!β
A Cowboy is riding his horse on his first trip to cowtown when he reaches a fork in the road…
At the fork, there is a sign which reads "Reddit go right, cowtown go left." The cowboy, confused and having never heard of Reddit, decides to give in to his curiosity and go right. After riding for a mile or so on the path, he reaches another fork. This sign reads "Reddit go right, cowtown go left." The cowboy, confused again about how he's reached the same sign decides that he's made a mistake somewhere along his path and looped back to where he started. Thinking he's made a mistake, he goes right again. He travels another five miles down the path until he reaches another sign, reading the same thing. "Reddit go right, cowtown go left." Determined to reach Reddit, he again goes right, and after another five miles of riding, he reaches a bar with "REDDIT" spelled out in bright lights. Feeling exhausted and angry for traveling all of that way with such little direction from the signs, the man decides to head in and have a beer. He walks in and sees that every bar stool is taken, but there is no one behind the bar taking orders. At this point, the cowboy is so dehydrated, sunburned and angry that he decides to barge right into the managers office and demand an explanation for this madness. He sees the manager sitting at his desk and asks him: "Hey Partner! What kind of circus are you running here? Every sign to get here is the exact same, and there's not a single person here to take my order!" The manager looks up from his desk, smiling and says : "This must be your first time here, so I'll explain. Every post is the same, and our servers never work. Welcome to Reddit, partner."
What do diarrhea and eye colour have in common?
It runs in your genes.
When I was learning to drive in the winter, my Dad told me, “If you’re ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it.”
One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road. Then breaking through the flurries, I saw the headlights of a plow truck in my rearview mirror. Thanking my lucky stars, I turned in and followed the truck, hopeful that it would lead me back somewhere I recognized. I followed that truck for what felt like hours. He turned left, I'd turn left. He'd swing to the right, and I was right on his tail. After a while, I saw brake lights from the plow, followed by four-way flashers. The plow had stopped, and I saw the driver get out and approach my car. I rolled down the window to talk to him. "Why are you following me, kid?" the plow driver asked. "Well sir, my dad told me if I was ever lost in a snowstorm, I should wait for a plow truck and then follow it." "Well," said the plow driver. "I just finished clearing the Target parking lot. Want to follow me over to Best Buy??"
Iβm a bald man and Iβm thinking of getting rabbits tattooed on my head.
From a distance they will look like hares.
How to tell the gender of an ant?
If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats…
My dad told me this just now
Dad: Hey I was just at the gas station and this lady next to me was filling up her car with gas and then she spilled like half a gallon Me: Oh jeez Dad: Yeah I know anyway she opened her door to get something to wipe it up with cause the station had nothing and then this huge Rot Weiler ran out of the car and licked up a bunch of gas then ran away and the lady was Freaking out so I ran across the street to grab the dog and I finally caught up to him and he started walking in a circle and then just collapsed Me: Oh my god what happened Dad: He ran out of gas