What kind of noise does a nut make when it sneezes?
Cashew
My son, starting a conversation: You know, Dad…
Me: Of course I know him. He's me.
A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, “Is my wife here?” His wife replies, “Yes, dear, I’m here, next to you.” The man goes, “Are my children here?” “Yes, Daddy, we are all here,” say the children.
"Are my other relatives also here?" And they say, "Yes, we are all here…" The man sits up and says, "Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"
Why canโt a nose be 12 inches?
…because then it would be a foot
Every day at breakfast, I announce that Iโm going for a jog, and then I donโt.
It was my longest running joke of the year.
My wife always screams during sex
But, itโs usually when I walk in
The vagina has more than eight thousand nerve endings
But, itโs still not nearly as sensitive as Reddit.
Being Muslim is tough
Since i was a young boy my father has imposed his religion onto me. I was home schooled because we live in the west and my father wanted me in an environment that was free from anything Haram. I couldn't associate with Hindus or Christians, anyone who ate unclean animals, or any girl. As a teenage guy going through puberty this was naturally a living nightmare. After years of begging from me and pressure from his colleagues, i was finally allowed to attend a very nice coed high school. The only rule was that i had to keep avoiding anything Haram. Being free for the first time i started to celebrate. Ate bacon my first day, had Hindu friends in a week, and within the month i had even met a girl. I was shy and awkward as i could possibly be but she liked me and thought i was funny. She was a little too hipster punk for me, listing to music i've never heard and using words like tubular and bae, but i loved it. Within two months we were dating. It was going great until my father heard about it. The Hindus and bacon he could overlook, but the women to him were really wrong. To him this was too much and he even claimed me of having sex with her. As if it couldn't get any weirder he actually demanded i show him my penis to prove i haven't been having sex. I had to ask him twice to make sure i heard him right. It was awkward but living under his roof i had to do as he commands. I started to go out with her on dates and every time i came home i had to whip it out for dad. It might be insane, but i actually am ok with dicks out for haram bae.
When you excel in life…
People start to spreadsheet about you. . . . . (I'll show myself out).
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
https://ift.tt/2SjV8b3
A woman reported one of her coworkers for sexual harassment because he said he liked the way her hair smelled. The HR rep said that it wasn’t sexual harassment.
The woman replied, "But it was the midget".
A young boy enters a barber shop…
…and the barber whispers to his customer. โThis is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.โ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, โWhich do you want, son?โ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. โWhat did I tell you?โ said the barber. โThat kid never learns!โ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. โHey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?โ The boy licked his cone and replied, โBecause the day I take the dollar, the game is over!โ
When i was a young boy my mom would always tuck me in,
She really wanted a daughter.
There is a horse. The horse says “I don’t think.” and disappears.
This is a reference to the Descartes quote "I think, therefore I am." But if I had explained that earlier, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.
A farmer buys a young cock
A farmers cock is getting old, so he decides to buy another younger one. When the new cock is put into the pen with the other chickens, the old cock says to him "I own all these hens, they all will only sleep with me, but I am old, I will give them to you if you grant my last wish before I die" The young cock is desperate to sleep with all these hens, and respects the old chickens last wish, so he agrees. "I want you to fuck me like I am one of them, I've always been curious what it's like, but there's never been another cockerel around" The young rooster is a little put off, but agrees all the same, so he mounts him and starts going when suddenly there is a loud bang, and the young rooster drops dead The farmer puts down his shotgun and says "fuck sake, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month"
Did you know 2×10 is same as 2×11 ?
One is twenty and other is twenty too.
i just heard that oxygen and magnesium are together
i was like OMg
Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
Why did the pilot blush?
Because he saw the airstrip
Jesus saw a crying old man while walking in a desert.
He came closer and asked what problem is. Old man: Iโm looking for my son, but Iโm gonna lose my hope. Jesus pitied the man and said, โletโs look for your son together.โ After some time, Jesus asked him that if he has some birthmark or else to recognize him more easily. Yes, said the old man. โHe had nails driven on his hands and feet.โ Jesus started and hugged the man, saying โFATHER!โ The old man screamed happily, โPINOCCHIO!โ
Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.
Jesus asks for a table for 26. The head waiter says, โBut thereโs only 13 of you.โ Jesus says, โYeah, but weโre all going to sit on the same side.โ
Having children really brought my wife and I closer together.
Now we have a common enemy.
What’s the difference between Xi Jinping and Winnie the Pooh?
Not a joke, I am genuinely curious.
At this point English has become suck up to the teacher class
At this point English has become suck up to the teacher class
Confessing your sins [NSFW i guess]
A guy who had done wrongs in his life went to church to confess He goes to the confessional and the priest asks him P – What sins have you done, son? S – I sinned, father, I went to send something to my sister in law and before going out it started raining, so i stayed in her house and things heated up and i fucked her P – That's a big sin but I'll forgive you, son S – Thank you father but i have sinned another time, i went to my mother in law to send her something and before going out it started raining, so i stayed in her house and things heated up and i fucked her as well P – That's a second time so that's worse but I'll forgive you my son S – Thank you very much father but i sinned another time, I finished work and before going out it started raining, the secretary and I got stuck in the building, things heated up and i fucked her as well! The priest checks out of the window and sees that it had started to get cloudy and he says P – You better get the fuck out right fucking now
Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep.
He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?" "That fellow is travelling through," said the farmer. "Needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn." The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed. The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!" "What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out… "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO!"
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my sonโs train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
A man noticed that his friend only smoked two cigarettes at a time.
He asked him about it and his friend said: "one for me and one on my imprisoned brother's behalf. He told me to smoke for him too" Years later, the man saw his friend smoking only one cigarette, he told him: "I'm guessing good news! Your brother finished his sentence?" His friend said: "No, I quit smoking"
Ladies, if your boyfriend asks for matador equipment for christmas…
It's big red flag
Job Interview
A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "OK, have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour." The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day." The guy is puzzled and asks, "if the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM , why don't you want me here until 10:00 AM ?" "This is a government job , " the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
If you think Thursdays are depressing, wait two days.
It will be a sadder day.