What kind of tree does a chicken grow on?
A poultry.
(came up with that in the shower)
An 85-year-old man was told by the Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a sperm sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, the with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. "We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbour?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
A tomb raider goes into a pyramid
She enters the pyramid after hearing that the pharaoh holds a great artifact. She hops and dodges all kinds of traps until she gets caught by a zombie slave. Slave says: I'm going to make you a slave. He forces the raider into the slave room where he jumps on her in sexual intent. She barely escapes and goes deeper into the pyramid. She finishes off other zombie slaves until she gets caught by a guardian. Guardian says: I'm going to make you a guardian. He forces the raider into the guardian room where he jumps on her in sexual intent. She barely escapes and goes deeper into the pyramid. She avoids other guardians and enters the sarcophagus room. The mummy rises and grabs the raider. Mummy says: I'm going to make you a mummy. Raider says: At least you're clear on your intentions.
My deaf girlfriend just told me “I think we need to talk.”
That’s not a good sign.
My daughter really changed a lot after becoming a vegan.
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
A lemonade seller and the businessman.
A lemonade seller was standing in the hot sun selling lemonade. A customer, who is a businessman approached him and asked him the prices. "$3 for a full glass, $30 for 5 empty ones." Astonished, the businessman asks him, "What is that supposed to mean?" The seller remained silent. After giving it a thought for a while, the customer bought 5 full glasses of lemonade, giving the seller $15 (3×5). He drank all of them quickly and showed the seller 5 empty glasses, "I got 5 empty glasses only for $15, though the cost is $30. You see, what dirty tricks we businessmen are capable of!" The poor lemonade seller says, "Sir, I am an entrepreneur. You see I made you buy 5 glasses for no reason at all?" Edit : Ignore bad grammar please.
You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and say, “That’s a girl’s name!” Terry shoots you.
You have died of dissin' Terry.
What is the definition of a will?
Come on guys it's a dead giveaway
Why did the outlaw minstrel get dumped by his girlfriend?
All he ever wanted to talk about was his lute.
“Of course I won’t laugh,” said the nurse
"I'm a professional. In over 20 years, I've never laughed at a patient." "Ok then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width it was the same size as a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle but it just came out. Feeling very badly that she laughed at the mans penis, she composed herself as well as she could. "I'm so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen" She ran out of the room…..
Earlier I spotted an albino Dalmatian…
It was the least I could do for him.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick
Especially since his name is Steve
I’m not sure what shocked my mailman more
That I came to the door naked or that I knew where he lived
I just donated 100$ to a charity for blind children
But I doubt they'll ever see any of the money
Phone rings…….Dad: What does the Caller ID say?……Son: It says Private Caller……
Dad: Don't answer it. We only pick up for ranks Lieutenant Caller and higher.
A man with 12 kids visits his Dr., asking for advice on how to prevent future pregnancies…
“Have you tried condoms?” Asks the Dr. “I did, and it resulted in 3 kids!” said the man. “Have you tried birth control?” “I did! And it resulted in another 3 kids!” “Have you tried IUD (intrauterine implants)?” “I did! And it resulted in 3 kids!” Confounded, the Dr. says bluntly, “well, have you tried not sleeping with your wife?” “I did! And it STILL resulted in 3 kids!!”
I’ve got a friend who reminds me of a software update.
Whenever I see him, I usually think "not now".
Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc on her keyboard?
Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!
Whoever wins the MegaMillions jackpot will make history
They'll be the first billionaire to pay taxes
Gay couples shouldn’t be allowed to raise children
It's child abuse to expose them to twice the amount of dad jokes
I saw a homeless guy on the streets and I had 50 bucks on me…
I thought, “This’ll be wasted on drugs and booze.” So I just gave it to the homeless guy.
A little kid enters the room and catches his dad masturbating
He lets a little scream out and look at his father, dumbfounded. "Don't be shocked, son. Everybody does this. Soon, you will do it too." "But… Why, daddy?" "Because my hands are starting to ache"
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
"Do you smell carrots?"
I made these propaganda posters to help clear up some of the administration’s messaging
https://ift.tt/2YcFsu4
Made a poker table full of strangers groan last night.
I’ve never been so happy to make everyone at a table hate me. Another player and I were getting into a pretty big pot at the Texas Hold Em table at my local casino last night. Towards the end of the hand, he went “all-in” meaning he bet all of the rest of his chips. When he pushed his stacks of chips in the middle, there was a really long hair hanging off of the chips that stayed attached to the top of his chip stack. When the dealer counted up his stack he said “the bet is $205” And I replied “ah, so just a hair over 200 dollars then??” I’ve never wanted kids, but the audible groans I was rewarded with are now making me think I might be ignoring my calling.
A man walks into a library and asks for a book about lubricants.
The librarian points him towards the non-friction section.
