What language does the post office at Hogwarts speak?
Parceltongue
A guy asked a girl in a university library…
…"Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?” The guy then responded with a loud voice, “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH!” All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy stood and whispered in her ear, "I study law, and I know how to screw people."
I tell my secrets to all my herbs, except for thyme.
Because only thyme will tell.
What do you call a one-legged hippo?
A hoppo My 4 year old cousin thinks it’s the funniest thing in the world
Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve?
All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.
Baler Swift
Baler Swift
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
Doo Wop singer Dion used to jog on a full tuxedo…
He called it his Run-around suit
Upper, lower class too and for girls too ! You better understand the template
https://ift.tt/2AGSiqQ
I never wanted to believe, that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home,
All the signs were there.
So the doctor apologized to me for making me wait
I told him im patient
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what’s wrong.
“Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" “Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. “Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally built up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." “That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." “Sensible" says Jeff. “So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." “And what happened then?" “I kicked her in the face."
..ever since an attempted mugging last year i have carried a knife.
Since then my muggings have been way more successful.
If you are addicted to masturbation, talk to a priest.
He'll be happy to help you beat it.
How do you outrun a horse, tiger, lion, and elephant that are chasing you?
Get your drunk ass off of the merry-go-round.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer…
I’m not sure what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.
Police officer pulls over 2 Catholic priests. Says he’s looking for two child molesters.
Catholic priests looking at each other: We’ll do it!
I asked 100 women which kind of shampoo they used.
The number one answer was, "How the hell did you get in here?"
Guy: I’m hungover
Girl: Stop flirting with me on the walkie talkies, someone’s gonna hear us. Over.
Occasionally I drew Carey
but I drew Barry more
Did you know the titanic was the biggest whore in all the seven seas?
Everyone went down on her
Who is a Covid-19 patient’s favorite composer?
Drycoughsky
A pregnant woman is hit by a car
She is sent into a coma for 1 year. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming," Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!" The doctor replies, "Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital." She says,"My brother? That guy is a moron! Why would you do that?" "I am sorry ma'am, we had no choice. There was nobody else. He even took the liberty of naming them." "What??", she says. "What did he name my daughter?" "He named her 'Denise' " says the doctor. "Oh, well that's not so bad. What did he name my son?" To which the doctor replies, "He named him 'Denephew' "
Why is the calendar worried?
Because its days are numbered
Why did the kid cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
My 18 carat gold butt plug business was sued by Apple
Apparently they have a patent on expensive stuff for arseholes
Two young boys think it’s about time to start swearing.
All of their friends swear, but it's just never been their thing. But tomorrow is the day! They decide to have a sleepover so they can start swearing together. The morning comes and both boys wake up excitedly and head downstairs to breakfast. The mother asked her son "what would you like for breakfast?" Her son replies "I'll take some fruit loops bitch." The mother immediately smacks the kid upside the head and sends him back to his room. She turns to the boys friend and says "I'm so sorry you had to see that, what would you like for breakfast?" The boy looks a little scared a replies "I don't know, but definitely not fucking fruit loops."
What happens when you crash your fancy new car?
Your Mercedes bends
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Just look for the fresh prints.
What do you call a child with a caffeine addiction?
A tea toddler
How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him in the mainstream.
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?
In case they get a hole in one.
Did you know that if you get really close to a lighter flame…
…it smells like burnt nose hair?
My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid.
But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.
How does Spider-Man think of such witty comebacks?
Because with great power comes great response ability.
Hunter…
Two hunters fly to Kenya, where they bag six gazelles. As the crew is loading the small plane to return, the pilot says the aircraft can take only four gazelles back. “Last time, the pilot let us take all six, and he had the same plane as yours,” argues the first hunter. Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and takes off. But the little plane is too heavy, and it goes down. Climbing out of the wreckage, the second hunter turns to the other. “Any idea where we are?” The first replies, “I’d say we’re pretty close to where we crashed last time.” Edit: omg thank you guys so much for the 50 upvotes, never had this before! ReEdit: OMFG you guys are so awesome, 100 upvotes i can'belive it. Thank you sooooo much!