What language more “oop” ?
Why is an executioner a terrible high-fiver?
He always leaves you hanging
To the guy who invented zero
Thanks for nothing
If you rearrange all the letters of POSTMEN
You will get them VERY ANGRY
My girlfriend said she didn’t think it was possible to seriously injure yourself by masturbating
But I managed to pull it off.
Whats the name of the most badass debt collector?
Bond. Legal Bond.
A wind turbine asked his friend what music he liked.
"I'm a big metal fan."
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me whether I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What do you want to see?”
Me: You pick. Her: You pick. Me: I don’t care which movie. You pick. Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.
Don’t spell part backwards
It's a trap
I work in a kitchen in a local restaurant, today I tried to start a food-fight with the other chef…
I threw some spaghetti her way, but it went right pasta.
I was tortured by mimes
They did unspeakable things to me
The first time I had sex with my girlfriend, all I could think of was my late wife.
I thought, “This’ll teach her for being late.”
Why was the locomotive always hungry?
It had a really hard time choo choo chooing it’s food.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have his vengeance.
I was thinking about the first time machine I ever built.
Ahhh, it takes me back.
Statistics show that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are unfaithful….
Now I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend.
If I disappeared into the fog tomorrow
Would I be mist?
![[OC] u/vaaliera Ahaha phone bad](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/l6trm5rq9ni41-400x663.jpg)
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body.
He’ll be born in February.
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.
He finishes his drink and asks for his check. Duck billed platypus.
A woman got hit in the head by a horse.
Don’t worry, she’s in stable condition.
Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city..
Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.
My dad’s boomer friend just posted this. Wife bad. Must kill. Then maybe grill.
https://ift.tt/2KJT4VX
What’s the fastest liquid on Earth?
Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.
Who do Nuns travel in pairs ?
So one Nun can make sure that the other Nun doesn't get none.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
A doctor, a priest and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude! Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they? George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge! (silence) Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
[NSFW] Two friends were hiking in the woods
As they're hiking a snake bites one of them in the balls Panicking the other friend ran to get help from a park ranger. He asks the ranger what to do. The ranger says you have to tie off the limb really tight to prevent the venom from circulating and suck the venom out of the bite. The guy runs back to his friend who's laying on the ground in agony. He asks what the park ranger said. "Dude you're gonna die"
A Sheep, Drum, and Snake fall off a cliff.
Ba Dum Tss
I walked into the library and asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia.
She said: "They're right behind you."