What lies on a seabed and shivers?
A nervous wreck.
After hearing me sing for the first time, my music teacher told me I should be tenor.
Ten or twelve feet away from all musical instruments at all times.
What did Tennessee?
The same thing Arkansas!
What’s Batman’s favourite fruit?
Ba-na-na-na-na-na
You’ve heard of Alphabet Soup…
… now get ready for Times New Ramen
A Blonde Joke
Two ladies, blonde and a brunette, meet up for lunch. The Brunette tells the blonde that she just had sex with a Brazilian. The Blonde excitedly exclaims, "Oh my god! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"
I went to buy camouflage trousers the other day
But I couldn’t see myself wearing any
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week…
There was no coffin at his funeral!
What do you mean June is over?
Julying…
What do you call a snake building its own home?
A boa constructor
Satan probably has some thoughts but I think his Twitter account is currently suspended
https://ift.tt/2Uwx8mV
So china is making phones without Google apps now
Guess it was always my way or the huawei i'm so sorry, I tried
The doctor says to me, “I’ve got bad news and worse news”
Me: What's the bad news? Doctor: You've got 24 hours to live. Me: Then what's the worse news!? Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday
Some people think the cost of wigs is too high
Personally, I think it’s a fair price toupee.
I was gonna give archery a shot
But there’s too many drawbacks
People hate the police so much these days…
…that even Sting has stopped performing "Every Breath You Take."
Why does my cancer doctor let me phone her any time day or night?
Because she's an on-call-ogist
I won’t do any threesome.
If I wanted to disappoint two people in the same room, I would just have dinner with my parents.
I thought taking a job as a ski instructor would be great.
But it really went downhill fast.
Where do I store all of my dad jokes?
In my dad•a•base
How to die from falling down the stairs:
Step 1, Step 2, Step 4, Step 9, Step 22, Step 23,
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
[SPOILER] Star Wars
https://imgur.com/lglgd2E
Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar…
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor…
