What part of the body dies last?
The pupils, they dilate
I wanted to buy a candle holder but the store didn’t have one.
So I got a cake -Mitch Hedberg
Master Po, why is kung fu so hard?
Grasshopper, have you seen the peace of the sunrise through the morning mists? –Yes, Master Po, I have seen this. Grasshopper, have you seen the patience of the crane as it stands still in the pond until a fish swims by? –Yes, Master Po, I have seen this. Grasshopper, have you seen the rushing water tumbling over the stones, and how the stones rest undisturbed despite the water? –Yes, Master Po, I have seen this. Grasshopper, have you seen the majesty of the full moon in the deep silence of the night? –Yes, Master Po, I have seen this. …Grasshopper? –Yes, Master Po. You should spend more time training and less time watching stupid shit!
What starts with 0 and end with 0?
My bank account.
A miner is stopped by the cops and is asked various questions
Cop: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do? Miner: Mine
I just bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Doctor: I’m terribly sorry, but it seems your kidneys are failing.
Me: I can't believe this is happening. Wife (sobbing): How will we tell our son? Me: … I'll tell him. [Later at home, sitting down with son] Me: Bad news kid, your knees are failing.
My wife asked me, “Do you think our kids are spoiled?”
I said, “No. Most of them smell that way.”
Gamers these days have no patience.
Two thousand years ago, respawn wait times were three days
As a responsible employer, All my staff are in a 2 week quarantine.
Productivity is through the roof since nobody can leave the office.
A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist." The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?" "Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love. After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist." The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm the best dentist in town, How did you figure that out?" "Didn't feel a thing!"
I was warned not to steal kitchen utensils
But it's a whisk I am willing to take.
The guy at the tuxedo store keeps hovering around me, so I asked him to leave me alone.
He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”
In response to your request for an apology and retraction, our answer is “no.”
https://ift.tt/2xZ1fuB
I like my women like I like my coffee
Very strong, and given proper credit for their contributions in both the home and the workplace.
A kiss might make her day.
But anal will make her hole weak.
What one food reduces a woman’s sex drive by 90%?
Wedding cake.
My son asked me, “If you could have any super-power, which one would you have?”
I smiled and said, "America."
If a tree falls in the woods and nobody hears it
It means my illegal logging business is a success
My wife claims that I’m the cheapest person she has ever met.
I’m not buying it.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs $2.00. A chicken pie in Trinidad costs $2.40. A chicken pie in St. Kitts costs $2.15.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.