What people on this sub need to see
Did you hear about the photographer who went to jail,
I heard that he was framed.
What is the strongest and longest rope in the whole world?
It's Europe. So long and also strong that it is binding all the EU countries.
Australians dont reproduce
They mate
A clown opened up my post today
No text found
Why is a chemist good at DJing?
Because they know when to drop the base.
During this pandemic I’m buying lots of stocks.
Beef stock, chicken stock, fish stock. Soon I'm going to be a bouillon-ere!
Walking to work one day, a woman asked me what was the quickest way to the hospital
So I pushed her under a bus
My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I said, “Who is this guy?” Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.
My ex girlfirend
My ex-girlfriend used to give me nicknames whilst giving me head. "The Impaler" was my favourite. Well, at least, that's what I thought she said…. Turns out she's asthmatic and it's my fault she died.
My daughter got scared when she had her first period
I told her it was an ovary action.
I told my date that a guy like me is hard to find.
She didn't believe me. So I said, "Just ask the police."
How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, and one to hold the penis. Edit: *Father Edit: * LADDER!!!! Dammit.
Why are the stakes so high?
Because the cows ate a lot of grass.
What do police do when there’s a fly annoying everyone in the station?
Call the swat team.
I just started a business where we specialize in weighing tiny objects.
It’s a small scale operation.
My aunt shared this on Facebook, as a gen z I must say that this is boomer af.
https://ift.tt/36qzF4s
What did Trump say when he picked up the cheese shredder?
"With this, I will make America grate again."
I’ve fallen in love with a pencil and we’re getting married
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B
What does every woman in the world want?
Nothing they're fine
A man walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing
"What are you doing?" He asked. "I'm off to New York," she replies. "I hear prostitutes get paid $400 doing what I do to you for free." The husband begins packing his bags. "What are you doing?" asked the wife. "I'm coming with you," he said. "I wanna see how you live off $800 a year."
How did the cannabis propose?
Marriage you wanna?
Geology rocks. But geography is where it’s at.
No text found
Just as I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
If I had a nickel every time I was confused
I’d be like, where the fuck do all these nickels keep coming from?
Why does a moon rock taste better than an Earth rock?
Because a moon rock is a little meteor
You know what makes me throw up?
A dart board on a ceiling.
I decided to kill off some characters in the book I am writing
It would definitely spice up my autobiography.
I finally have a girlfriend
Now I wish I could post it on an other subreddit
A Chinese man walks into a bar and sits right next to a Jewish man.
The Jewish man starts eyeing the Chinese man suspiciously, a dark expression covering his face. Suddenly, with no warning at all, he stands up, grabs the Chinese man by the neck, smashes his face against the bar and throws him to the floor. The Chinese man, dazed and angry, stands up and confronts the Jewish man. “What the fuck is wrong with you?! Why would you do that?!” The Jewish man looks him in the eye and says “That was for bombing Pearl Harbor.” The Chinese man froze. “For bombing Pe- but that was the Japanese!! I am Chinese!” “Japanese, Chinese, Korean, you’re all the same to me”, said the Jewish man. Dumbfounded, the Chinese man sits at the bar and orders another beer. He keeps eyeing the Jewish man, a dark expression on his face. Suddenly, he grabs his beer mug and smashes it against the Jewish man’s face, then proceeds to punch him and kick him until the Jewish man isn’t moving any more. He sits back at the bar. After a couple of minutes, the Jewish man struggles to his feet, stumbles to the bar, and confronts the Chinese man. “What the fuck was that about?” The Chinese man sips his beer, and without looking at the Jewish man, he says “That was for sinking the Titanic.” Outraged, the Jewish man goes red. “Sinking the Ti- that was an iceberg!!” The Chinese man shrugs. “They’re all the same to me, icebergs, Goldbergs, Rosenbergs, Silberbergs…”
The first rule of flight club…
is to take flying lessons. Also know how to read carefully.