What rhymes with banana?
No it doesn't
Elon Musk says he is going to pull Tesla out of California
Never trust a guy with 6 kids that says he is going to pull out
My wife accused me of having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerwchllyndrobwllllandysiliogogogoch.
I said, "How can you say such a thing?!"
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair,
until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting. He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.” “What I want you to do,” the man continued, “is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.” So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
Facebook keeping important infrastructure out of the hands of junior developers
https://ift.tt/2CRGaB3
Did you hear about the dog who chased cars all day? He got exhausted.
But at least he is better off than the guy who was chased by a bus. That guy was tired.
What do you get when you inject a goat with human DNA?
A ban from the petting zoo.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind it's tearable.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested….
I heard they’re gonna give them a really tough sentence
We’re just being respectful and ignoring your exposed skin
We’re just being respectful and ignoring your exposed skin
*pulls candy bar out of thin air*
Kid: WOW are you a magician? Me: no, but I have a couple of twix up my sleeve
Guy Ritchie movies taught me all the British slang I know
Guy Ritchie movies taught me all the British slang I know
John, the second least popular kid in our class tried to act over smart…
So, John decides to come up to me one day – out of the blue – and tries to up his status among the class by picking on the one kid that had no friends – again, me. “So, I saw your father yesterday.” This was curious. I knew my father was at work, so it was highly unlikely that John would have happened to cross paths. “You did?” I asked. “Did you see him… at work?” “Yes, I did,” John said, haughtily. “And I told him all the embarrassing things that you do in class.” What an odd way to phrase that, I thought. “Uh huh,” I said. “That’s odd, because he didn’t mention anything last night when he got home.” “Well, maybe that’s because he was so shocked by what I told him,” John said, doubling down. “Tell me, John,” I said, slowly. “Did you just run into him at work, or were you a patient?” John, obviously not expecting this question, answered. “I was a patient.” I nodded. “That’s interesting, John.” “Why?” “Because my father is a gynecologist.”
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment.
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward
That’s just how I roll
I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet. Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn’t help but think to myself…
“He’s giving me a good run for my money.”
How do you find your dog if it’s lost in the woods?
Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark!
Why don’t skeletons fight each other?
They don’t have the guts.
Did you know that TON spelled backwards is NUT
No it’s not
Trumpets and Guns
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
What do you call bacon with salt on it
Salt and Peppa
Justice is a dish best served cold.
Because if it was served warm it would be Justwater
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates?
The prose outweighs the cons.
What do you after an Apple turns bad?
You open windows.
It’s really hard to say what my wife does for a living.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
My father in law did well tonight.
NSFW At a restaurant tonight FIL: What do you call nuts on a wall? Everyone:…. FIL:Walnuts! Everyone:groan…. FIL:What do you call nuts in a chest? Everyone:… FIL:CHESTNUTS!! Everyone:… FIL:What do you call nuts on a chin?? Everyone:… FIL:A blowjob!! Everyone:Oh god no…. I'm so proud of him.
i call myself terms and conditions
because y'all keep ignoring me
I once fell in love with a girl that only knew 4 vowels
Unfortunately she didn't know I existed.
Why should you never buy a dog from a blacksmith???
Because as soon as you take the dog home it makes a bolt for the door.
What does Donald Trumps hair have in common with a thong?
They both barely cover the asshole
Republicans must be flipping their shit over this blatant nepotism within our government!
https://ift.tt/37vjKDx
What’s the opposite of urine?
I'm out
If Medusa, King Midas, and Oedipus raised a child together
That would be one stone, gold motherfucker
What’s dark humor?
A boy asks his mom: "Hey, mom, what is dark humor?" "See that disabled man over there?" She says "But mom, I'm blind" "Exactly, honey"
Three priests gathered together for a drink .
During their get together ,the hoast ask the other two : How do you split your money with the Lord ? "I draw a line on the floor in my church ,then ,i throw the money in the air ,whatever is on my side I get to keep ,whatever falls on his side he keeps it" sais the first priest. The second one replies "well I draw circle and then I' throw the money in the air ,whatever falls inside the circle is mine ,whatever Falls outside the circle is His" . "How do you split your money ?" they both ask the host priest. I' just throw the money in the air and he keeps whatever he wants.
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves…
So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?” The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
I burned 400 calories this morning.
My Pop Tarts got stuck in the toaster.