What riots
Whilst having sex I suddenly stopped & didn’t move
Wife said 'What are you doing?" I said I've seen this online it's called buffering
A pretty good joke told to me by a coworker
One day little Billy approached Mr. Johnson's house and knocked on the door. After they exchanged a few pleasantries, little Billy asked Mr. Johnson, "Sir, I noticed ya got some milkweed growing in your backyard, mind if go back there and get some milk?" Amused by the request, Mr. Johnson replied, "Son, knock yourself out." knowing full well that he couldn't possibly get milk from milkweed. Sure enough, Billy came back to Mr. Johnson with 2 pails of milk. Little Billy thanked the now shocked and speechless Mr. Johnson and went on his way. The next day Billy knocked on Mr. Johnson's door again. "Afternoon Mr. Johnson, I noticed ya had some buttercups growing in your backyard, mind if I get some butter?" Curious this time around, Mr. Johnson replied, "Sure son, go right ahead." knowing full well he couldn't possibly get butter from a buttercup. Sure enough, Billy came back with 2 buckets of butter. Again, Billy thanked a now even more shocked and speechless Mr. Johnson and went on his way. The next day little Billy knocked on Mr. Johnson's door for a third time. Mr. Johnson, very intrigued by little Billy's strange requests eagerly greeted the young man. "How can I help you today son?" said Mr. Johnson. "Well sir, I noticed ya had some pussy willows growing in your backyar-" and before Billy could finish Mr. Johnson interrupted, "Hold on Billy! Let me go get my boots!"
Today I saw an ad that said “radio for sale, $1, volume is stuck at max level”
I thought, well I just can’t turn that down
I have mixed views on immigration.
I'm foreign against it.
A poor Irish family lives on a farm…
A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income. One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead. "There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself. The mom walks outside and sees the dad and the cow on the ground. "I can't live without my husband," she says as she shoots herself with her husband's gun. The daughter walks outside and sees her mother, father and cow dead. "I can't live any longer without my family," she says as she jumps into the river and kills herself. The oldest son, 23 years old, walks outside looking for the family and sees them all dead. "Is there anyway to bring them back," he yells at the sky. Poof! A female leprechaun appears. "I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you." The boy fucks her 3 times in a row and he dies. The middle son, 19 years old, comes out and sees the leprechaun. She gives him the same offer as his brother. "I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you." The son agrees to do it but can only do it 4 times. He dies. The youngest son, 15 years old, comes out and is given the same offer. "I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you." The son says, "What if I fuck you 10 times in a row?" The leprechaun thinks. She says, "I will bring back your family and give you my pot of gold. The son says, "What if I fuck you 20 times in a row?" She thinks again and says, "I will bring back your family, give you my pot of gold and give you a mansion." The son thinks and says, "What if I fuck you 30 times in a row?" She thinks and says, "I will bring back your family and make you the richest man in Ireland." The son says, "Wait, how do I know you will survive it?" "What do you mean?" says the leprechaun. "The cow didn't."
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 doors, they would be chicken sedans.
What did the cannibal’s wife do when he came home late for dinner?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
Why don’t chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?
Because they make the toys.
In Canada, you are more likely to die of a moose kick than of a terrorist attack.
Those damn mooselimbs.
I told my wife that she drew her eyebrows a little high when she did her makeup today.
She looked surprised.
My face! When he says “The Coronavirus is very much under control in the USA.”!
https://ift.tt/3eOSfbR
What do you call children born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.
My deaf girlfriend just told me “I think we need to talk.”
That’s not a good sign.
Did you hear about the successful cows?
They were out standing in their field
Bouncer: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
I know it's hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes.
Instead of a swear jar I have a pessimism jar, every time I have a negative thought I put a coin in.
It’s currently half empty
My Computer is a lot like a Chargers game
They both only have two fans
Please be kind to Jussie Smollett guys…
You know he's really beating himself up right now.
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins….
….I was about to run straight home to tell the wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden in the first place.
A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.
One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!" The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!" The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I smell is MOLASSES!"
Ahhhh, I remember 2018 like it was yesterday.
http://bit.ly/2BQMo33
A grape wakes up in an Australian hospital
A grape wakes up in an Australian hospital, and asks, "Did you bring me here to die?" The nurse replies, "Nah mate, we brought you here yesterday."
The U.S. Army is full of crybabies
That’s why we also call them the Infantry.
My son used to swallow coins pretty regularly when he was a child.
I’ve definitely seen some change in him.
A little old lady…
…was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer." Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.' "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Not everybody pays."
My mute grandfather always said:
No text found
I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage
I lost my case
Fairly Oddparents predicted skibidi toilet?!?!?!?!
Fairly Oddparents predicted skibidi toilet?!?!?!?!
How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him in the mainstream.
I ordered rabbit stew at a pub the other day…
The server drops the rabbit stew off at my table and starts walking away. I call him back and say, "There's a hare in my stew."