What rock group has 4 members that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore
Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex
They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.
My daughter said she literally can’t even…
… so that’s odd.
How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?
Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.
My son is a male trapped in a female’s body, so we took him to a psychiatrist.
For some reason, the doc kicked us out when we told him our son was due in in 3 months.
Little 8-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was doing, he asked: “What are you doing there, Nancy?”
“My goldfish died,” Nancy sobbed. “And I’ve just buried him.” The obnoxious neighbour laughed and said condescendingly: “That’s a really big hole for a little goldfish, don’t you think?” Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied: “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”
When I was a child I had a condition where I had to eat mud three times a day in order to survive…
It’s lucky my older brother told me about it, really.
Everyone keeps making fun of me because I don’t know what the word “apocalypse” means
Honestly, I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s not the end of the world.
Sheepdog: That’s all 50 sheep Shepherd: What? We should have only 47
Sheepdog: I know, I rounded them up
Casualty of War
https://ift.tt/2K74qmF
My teachers said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia..
But so far I’ve made two bowls and a vase.
Stalin appears to Putin in a dream
He says to Putin: "I have two bits of advice for you: kill off all your opponents and paint the Kremlin blue." Putin asks, "Why blue?" Stalin replies, "I knew you would not object to the first one."
I’m in a band named “999 megabytes”.
We haven't got a gig yet.
What do you call a rodent with a machine gun?
A ratatatatat
Did you know that you’re not supposed to make sick bird puns?
Apparently it's ill eagle.
One afternoon three women were out shopping with their three young kids.
One afternoon three women were out shopping with their three young kids. Before leaving, they happen to notice a fortune-teller shop across the mall. Two of the women thought it would be a fun way to end their outing while the third one was a bit more skeptical. After a moment of debating, they all agree to go in. As they entered the shop they were greeted by the Miss Catarina. Miss Catarina: Welcome, my beautiful friends! I would like for you to join me on a wonderful adventure into your minds. The two women were excited for the experience while the skeptical one rolled her eyes. Miss Catarina acknowledge the gesture. Miss Catarina: I see we have a disbeliever in the room. In what way would I be able to lessen your uncertainty? Skeptical Woman: How about you start by guessing our names. Miss Catarina: And that is exactly what I will do! However, uncovering the names of you three would be way too simple for Miss Catarina. One may say I overheard you addressing each other during a recent debate about coming in here. (She says with a smirk) The faces of the other two women were filled with amazement. Miss Catarina: I will predict the names of your children and explain some history behind why it was chosen! Thinking that there could be no way that she would know, the skeptical woman agreed. Miss Catarina starts with the first two. Miss Catarina: Hello my little Princess, your name has to be Penelope! The first woman was stun while Penelope looked to her mom confused. Miss Catarina: I see you are confused my child, but be no more. You would most likely recognize your name as Penny! It is short for Penelope! Do you know why your name is Penny? It’s because your mommy loves collecting money! All kinds of money! Old money, new money and even foreign money! The first two women cheered while confirming that it is correct. The third woman was a bit shocked but still skeptical. Miss Catarina: It was nice meeting you, Penelope! She then moves to the second child. Miss Catarina: Hello my little Angel. You must be Lillian! Lillian: Yes! But everyone calls me Lilly! Miss Catarina: And I bet that is because your mommy loves flowers! All types of flowers! Wild flowers, house flowers and even exotic flower! The two women confirmed with excitement! But now the skeptical woman is concern. Miss Catarina: It’s a pleasure meeting you, Lillian. Saving the best for last, she walks over to the third child. Miss Catarina: And you my handsome Prince. Your name is the most fitting of all! While feeling embarrassed, the skeptical woman cuts off Miss Catarina. Skeptical Woman: I’ve had enough! My son and I do not want to hear what you have to say! We’re leaving! While looking at the sad little boy getting taken out the shop, Miss Catarina shouts to him. Miss Catarina: You have a wonderful day, Richard!
You should never date someone with a lazy eye
They might be seeing someone on the side
A son goes crying to his mom..
Son: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin." Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
Children bad for trying to help save enviroment. Wife good for doing nothing.
https://ift.tt/2qu7GS4
I had a dream that I was a muffler last night.
I woke up exhausted.
Putin on a trip.
Vladimir Putin is traveling abroad. He enters the customs line, approaches the agent and is asked: Agent: age? Putin: 66 Agent: occupation? Putin: not this time, just visiting.
What is the happiest number?
4. Euphoria.
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!" The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."
Amazing how Evangelicals and his supporters believe he should be the one we trust
https://ift.tt/2JvX7oj
Today I saw dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall.
I thought to myself "Now, that's a little condescending".
Do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge my phone in my honda?
Best Buy employee: a cord? Me: no it's a Civic.
Police officer: “I’m here to inform you that your son burned down the school”
Parents: "arson?" Police officer: "yes, your son"
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water
If it sinks, it’s a girl ant. If it floats, it’s buoyant.
Dad: *washing car with son*
Son: Dad, can't you just use a sponge ?
What is the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One will see you later and the other will see you in a while.
I never understood why people don’t get along with vegans.
I’ve never had a beef with one.