What should you do if you see a famous person at a water park?
Ask them for their watergraph.
Machine learning: “I’m as intelligent as human beings”. Also machine learning:
https://ift.tt/36gtLDH
Why didn’t 4 jump into the pool?
Because they were 22
What is a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear Sir/Ma'am, We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons: Illegal Downloading
It sings and drives
John Travolvo
One of my great grandfather’s favorite jokes…
A guys walking down the street with a bag of rabbit droppings he runs into one of his friends who asks what’s in the bag. Guy says “Smart Pills,” his friend says “Gimme one of them Smart Pills,” then reaches in the bag and pops a handful of them in his mouth. He looks at the guy and says “These smart pills taste like shit,” guy says “You’re getting smarter already.”
Today I told my girlfriend her eyebrows were drawn too high
She seemed surprised.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island.
But it turned out to be an optical Aleutian
I found out that my Toaster wasn’t waterproof…
I was in complete Shock.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
I know it's hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes.
Why haven’t Aliens visited our solar system?
They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.
If I’m offering you my seat, you fucking take it.
I don't need this "omg i cant drive a train" shit
Teaching my 4yo how to write
What letter is this? "Y" Because I'm asking you! What letter is it?? "Y!" How am I supposed to know if you've learnt it if you don't tell me?? What letter is this?? I look at him. He's looking at me. I can see his brain stuck in a loop he's not sure how to get out of. He sees me starting to crack up and out it comes, the unquestionable evidence of a successful dad joke "Ugh! DAAAAAAAAADDDD"
Why are Lawyers buried 12 Feet Under?
Deep down they're really good people
Talking to god
So this man is talking to God and he says: “God, is it true that a million years is like a second to you?” Then God says: “Yes. A million years is like a second to me.” Then the man says: “So if a million years is like a second to you, is it true that a million dollars is like a penny for you?” Then God said: “Yes. A million dollars is like a penny to me.” So the man says: “God, can I please have a penny?” Then God says: “Yeah just give me a second.”
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
It’s understandable. He’s not used to not getting his own way all of the time.
https://ift.tt/3c8cfUm
I spent all night trying come up with a dad joke
When suddenly it dawned on me
Adam and Eve’s Nationality
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian.
Bad knock-knock joke #2
Knock, knock. Who's there? Control freak. Control fr- Okay, now you say "Control freak who?"
A bee keeper walks into a pet store
He asked the person at the counter for 12 bees. After walking out the store, he notices that he's been given 13 bees by accident. He walks back in and says “there has been an accident, and you’ve given me 13 bees.” The Shopkeeper says "No mistake sir, that one is a freebie!"
Where’s the best place in France to take in the sights?
The Eyeful Tower. …ok, that one was bad. Paris-itic, even.
Well well well bois…Its time for a new (and better) plan!
Well well well bois…Its time for a new (and better) plan!
How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, and one to hold the penis. Edit: *Father Edit: * LADDER!!!! Dammit.
Why does the Norwegian navy put barcodes on their ships?
So they can Scandinavian
I’m gonna start a cocaine delivery service
I'll call it instagram
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
I don’t like Civil War jokes
I General Lee don’t find them funny
My neighbours listen to great music
Whether they like it or not
I bet my farmer friend $100,000 I could get his cows hooked on weed
The steaks have never been higher