What side does the zebra have the most stripes on?
What do lawyers wear to work everyday?
A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in.
The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?" Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter. Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!". The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupid. Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."
It’s confirmed . Fresh cow dung can stop corona
Dip both your hands in fresh cow dung before going out. This will make sure that a) you will not touch your eyes, nose, ear or mouth. b) nobody will shake hands with you. c) Nobody will come near you when you are out in the streets. d) You will wash your hands thoroughly before you eat.
A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag.
The girl replied, “Thanks for the Baghdad”
Some people never learn.
Why did the rapper go to the grocery store?
To get some fresh beets
The great explorer
Exam season made me do it
“Hey kids, it’s Jamaican hairstyle day at work tomorrow!”
I'm dreading it…
I Have Never Been So Offended By Something I 100% Agree With
Finally some sleep during the morning
Didn’t see that one coming
-Sir, you have a bladder infection.
-What’s that? -Urine trouble, sir.
That’s smocking gun to you.
Disability lawsuits bad
So many people these days are too judgemental.
I can tell just by looking at them.
A guy came up to me and said, “Man your clothes are so gay”
I said, “I know, they came out of the closet this morning”
A night out with 1$ [NSFW ?]
Two men only have a dollar for their night out and they want to get wasted. So they go into a night shop and buy a sausage. The first bar they go in they order 2 beers each. When they decide to leave, one takes out the sausage and places it between his legs. The other bends over and starts sucking on it. The barteneder forgetting that they had not payed yet thinks something else is going on so he kicks them out. They repeat this for around 15 more bars and are hammered. Then the first guy says "damn my back hurts from bending over so much!" The second says "you think that's bad? I lost the sausage 7 bars ago"
Christmas is the present holiday.
(Yes, that's a pun.)
My girlfriend just admitted she was having an affair with our teacher.
I don't know what's worse, that I'm being cheated on or the fact we're both homeschooled.
That’s an idea…
Ho ho ho
I called two girls hipsters and got slapped.
Apparently the correct term is "conjoined twins".
Ronald Regan tells Soviet joke
I was so angry when the door knob broke off my front door.
I couldn’t handle it.
Yes, I am a very talented programmer.
My mom sent this to me…
In space, two aliens are talking to each other.
The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons." The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?" The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"
When your employer tries to tell you which IDE to use
I cut down a Christmas tree today. My wife asked me if I was going to put it up myself.
I said: “Of course not. I was going to put it up in the living room.”
Why are there no cases of COVID-19 in Antarctica?
Because they're ice-o-lated
Nice try Lara
Why was 69 afraid of 70?
Because they had a fight and 71.
Getting a pair of socks for Christmas!
A Programmer’s Baby…
Domestic abuse against men is funny!
I just poked myself in the eye.
I can’t see myself doing that again any time soon.
My uncle of all people just shared this to fb
some guys told me this isn’t boomer humor.. wife ugly but she put big things in mouth hehe
Brought to by MS Paint and my physics textbook
Why has Japan had so many conflicts and wars?
Because they have lots of animes.
on the first try, oh yeah
“Science is my passion”
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
Mommy, how are heliums born?
Why is so much boomer humor super rapey?
I was going to make a joke that I thought was really clean
But my mother told me that it wasn’t polished enough
Giraffe problems [OC]
HTML/CSS are real coding languages
Rape good, old lady lonely, I have colonoscopy booked tomorrow
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
My son asked me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I laughed, “That’s Superman!”
He replied, “Thanks dad! I’ve been practicing a lot!"
A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.
During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says, "Jesus died for your scenes."
My friend can’t afford his water bill…
So I sent him a "Get well soon" card.
“Anything these days,” I told my son.
He frowned a little. "What's that?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. "Huh?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. "I don't understand. Explain?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. He sighed loudly. "Are you crazy, dad?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. "Dad, snap out of it. What's going on?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. "Dad! Dad! Come on. Tell me what you mean?" he asked. There was a pause. "Anything these days," I continued. At this point he was enraged and yelled, "Jesus Christ, I've had enough of this nonsense. What on Earth are you doing? Have you lost your mind? Jees. You're driving me insane!" There was a silence. "This is the world we live in," I concluded. "You can't say anything these days without offending someone."
My wife of 10 years left me because I didn’t do enough chores
It was devastating. I didn't do much to deserve it
This is a funny! 😂
KFC job application
Why doesn’t America use the metric system?
They have a foot fetish
US government: “The Coronavirus Outbreak Has Officially Reached The United States” Boomers:
What do you mean windmills don’t cause cancer?
Why did the grizzly get an F on his project?
Because he did the bear minimum.
My boomer dad just sent me this
Figured I would update a classic, with a little elbow grease and photoshop.
Did you hear about the cow who jumped over the barbed wire fence?
It was udder destruction.
What do you call a popsicle that’s filled with holes?
A Popesicle! Get it? Because it's holy. My kids didn't get it either…
Why is “dark” spelled with a K and not a C?
Because you can’t C in the dark
I saw a Korean martial artist holding out a basket of donuts. When I asked to take 2, he said no.
I replied “can I at least Taekwondo?”
Dealing with viruses since 95
Where do cyclops’ party?
This is how VPN works
Wine drink funny haha
A man goes on a business trip to Japan
In Japan, he picks up a hooker and they go all night long. The entire time they were making love she was excitedly shouting: Hasimota! Hasimota! Since the man obviously didn't know a word of Japanese, he concluded it was some sort of an excitement noise. The next morning he meets with a few japanese businessmen on a golf course. One of the businessmen makes a shot and, surprisingly, scores a hole in one. Everyone applauds and the foreign man, wanting to sound clever, shouts: Hasimota! The man who scored the shot turns to him and asks in confusion: "What do you mean 'Wrong hole!'?"
Why did Star Wars 4, 5, and 6 come before 1, 2 and 3?
Because in charge of the schedule Yoda was.
It ain’t much but it’s honest work.