What side does the zebra have the most stripes on?
The outside
What do lawyers wear to work everyday?
Their lawsuit.
A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in.
The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?" Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter. Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!". The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupid. Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."
It’s confirmed . Fresh cow dung can stop corona
Dip both your hands in fresh cow dung before going out. This will make sure that a) you will not touch your eyes, nose, ear or mouth. b) nobody will shake hands with you. c) Nobody will come near you when you are out in the streets. d) You will wash your hands thoroughly before you eat.
A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag.
The girl replied, “Thanks for the Baghdad”
Why did the rapper go to the grocery store?
To get some fresh beets
“Hey kids, it’s Jamaican hairstyle day at work tomorrow!”
I'm dreading it…
-Sir, you have a bladder infection.
-What’s that? -Urine trouble, sir.
So many people these days are too judgemental.
I can tell just by looking at them.
A guy came up to me and said, “Man your clothes are so gay”
I said, “I know, they came out of the closet this morning”
A night out with 1$ [NSFW ?]
Two men only have a dollar for their night out and they want to get wasted. So they go into a night shop and buy a sausage. The first bar they go in they order 2 beers each. When they decide to leave, one takes out the sausage and places it between his legs. The other bends over and starts sucking on it. The barteneder forgetting that they had not payed yet thinks something else is going on so he kicks them out. They repeat this for around 15 more bars and are hammered. Then the first guy says "damn my back hurts from bending over so much!" The second says "you think that's bad? I lost the sausage 7 bars ago"
Christmas is the present holiday.
(Yes, that's a pun.)
My girlfriend just admitted she was having an affair with our teacher.
I don't know what's worse, that I'm being cheated on or the fact we're both homeschooled.
I called two girls hipsters and got slapped.
Apparently the correct term is "conjoined twins".
I was so angry when the door knob broke off my front door.
I couldn’t handle it.
In space, two aliens are talking to each other.
The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons." The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?" The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"
I cut down a Christmas tree today. My wife asked me if I was going to put it up myself.
I said: “Of course not. I was going to put it up in the living room.”
Why are there no cases of COVID-19 in Antarctica?
Because they're ice-o-lated
Why was 69 afraid of 70?
Because they had a fight and 71.
I just poked myself in the eye.
I can’t see myself doing that again any time soon.
some guys told me this isn’t boomer humor.. wife ugly but she put big things in mouth hehe
https://ift.tt/2z5YrvC
Why has Japan had so many conflicts and wars?
Because they have lots of animes.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
I was going to make a joke that I thought was really clean
But my mother told me that it wasn’t polished enough
![Giraffe problems [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/Q2KDLEx-400x400.jpg)
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
My son asked me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I laughed, “That’s Superman!”
He replied, “Thanks dad! I’ve been practicing a lot!"
A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.
During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says, "Jesus died for your scenes."
My friend can’t afford his water bill…
So I sent him a "Get well soon" card.
“Anything these days,” I told my son.
He frowned a little. "What's that?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. "Huh?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. "I don't understand. Explain?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. He sighed loudly. "Are you crazy, dad?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. "Dad, snap out of it. What's going on?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. "Dad! Dad! Come on. Tell me what you mean?" he asked. There was a pause. "Anything these days," I continued. At this point he was enraged and yelled, "Jesus Christ, I've had enough of this nonsense. What on Earth are you doing? Have you lost your mind? Jees. You're driving me insane!" There was a silence. "This is the world we live in," I concluded. "You can't say anything these days without offending someone."
My wife of 10 years left me because I didn’t do enough chores
It was devastating. I didn't do much to deserve it
Why doesn’t America use the metric system?
They have a foot fetish
US government: “The Coronavirus Outbreak Has Officially Reached The United States” Boomers:
https://ift.tt/2OjN7Rs
Why did the grizzly get an F on his project?
Because he did the bear minimum.
Did you hear about the cow who jumped over the barbed wire fence?
It was udder destruction.
What do you call a popsicle that’s filled with holes?
A Popesicle! Get it? Because it's holy. My kids didn't get it either…
Why is “dark” spelled with a K and not a C?
Because you can’t C in the dark
I saw a Korean martial artist holding out a basket of donuts. When I asked to take 2, he said no.
I replied “can I at least Taekwondo?”
Where do cyclops’ party?
Eyebiza.
A man goes on a business trip to Japan
In Japan, he picks up a hooker and they go all night long. The entire time they were making love she was excitedly shouting: Hasimota! Hasimota! Since the man obviously didn't know a word of Japanese, he concluded it was some sort of an excitement noise. The next morning he meets with a few japanese businessmen on a golf course. One of the businessmen makes a shot and, surprisingly, scores a hole in one. Everyone applauds and the foreign man, wanting to sound clever, shouts: Hasimota! The man who scored the shot turns to him and asks in confusion: "What do you mean 'Wrong hole!'?"
Why did Star Wars 4, 5, and 6 come before 1, 2 and 3?
Because in charge of the schedule Yoda was.
