What side of a chicken has the most feathers?
The outside.
A teenager, who just turned 18, desperately wants a car.
His mother tells him to buy one himself. A chemistry student himself, he finds an effective money-making strategy. Every day, he would sell mixtures of Rhenium, Phosphorus, Osmium, and Tennssine, and he was earning a lot from the sales. Curious, his mother asks him about the mixtures. The teen replied: RePOsTs are the fastest way to car, Ma.
What do girls with a daddy kink call their real dad?
Nothing, it goes straight to voicemail.
My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.
She said she just can't take it any longer.
Son: Mom, Dad, I’m gay.
Dad: clenches fist Mom: DON’T Dad: sweats profusely Mom: … Dad: HI GAY I’M DAD
I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.
I said, “What’s going on?” “You tell me?” replied my wife. I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.” “A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!” I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, “The baby’s coming! Don’t stop the car! Won’t make it! WON’T! CAN’T!”
"Driver, hurry!" I cried. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
What do you call a can opener that’s broken?
A can't opener.
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.
A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read.
Why was six afraid of seven
Because seven was a well known six offender
“Wanna know something?” asked my girlfriend.
I said, "What is it?" She said, "I saw you sitting in the park. You were reading your autobiography to your ex." "Hmm," I replied. "Really?" She said, "How do you explain yourself?" I said, "Well, if I read it to you perhaps you'll find out."
How do you sneak up on celery?
You stalk it.
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Sincerely, your service provider.
Where did the hacker go?
I don't know, he ransomware
If 6ix9ine serves his 47 years…
he’ll be the first mumble rapper to finish a sentence
Why did the condom fly accross the room?
It was pissed off…
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them
Whenever I’m at the therapist’s waiting room, I stand in one corner and blow air at people.
Everyone hates it, but I’m a fan.
Wanna hear a joke about coronavirus?
Never mind, you probably won't get it.
I asked my Aunt”How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
My mother always used to say “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
Lovely woman; terrible surgeon.
Alcoholic snails.
Must have a hard time sneaking out to the pub without the wife noticing.
If you masturbate after smoking marijuana…
Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two I'm sorry…
My wife was abducted by a gang of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to her.
Seeing six topless women sounds nice…
Dozen tit
At the Olympics I saw a man carrying a long sick and I asked, “Are you a pole vaulter?”
He said "No. I am German but how did you know my name was Walter?"
I was washing my car with my daughter the other day
and she asked “Dad, why don’t you just use a sponge?”
What did the picture tell the lawyer?
Help! I’ve been framed.