What sort of lights to Noah use on the Ark?
Flood lights
Why did the bucket bounce?
Because it was filled with spring water.
What is it called when two mummies fart at the same time?
Toot-in-common.
Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.
First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows." Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows." Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows." Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp. First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend." Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument." They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting. First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish — let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it." Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."
While my wife was in labor I read her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused…
I guess it was the delivery!
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.” When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds. “Wow, that’s amazing!” the doctor says. “Did you follow my instructions?” The blonde nods… “I’ll tell you, I'd thought I was going to drop dead that third day." “From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor. “No, from skipping,” replied the blonde.
It’s pointless to get into an argument about the Adam and Eve creation story versus evolution.
It is comparing apples to origins.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I’m a compulsive gambler…
Ever since, all I can think about is how to win her back.
As my wife was preparing dinner, I said to her, “That’s a nice ham you’ve got there.”
"It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front and an ‘e’ at the end."
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well, I'm not going to spread it!
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts
Beer nuts are $1.30 deer nuts are under a buck
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.
“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.” God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?” “Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.” “Exactly,” said God, “and when people rode in this man’s taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed.”
An old Jew on his deathbed
A 90 year-old Jew is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here." He then says: "Are my children — my wonderful children — are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, we are here with you to see you breathe your last." And he says: "Are my brothers and sisters here with me as well?" And they too tell him that they are here. So the old man lays back quietly, closes his eyes, and says, "If everybody is here … why is the light on in the kitchen?"
I went to the pet shop and asked for 12 bees
The clerk counted out 13 bees and handed them over. “You’ve given me one too many” I said. “That one is a freebie”
As soon as you find someone with 10,000 bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they’re a keeper.
My friend was fired from his lumberjack job after failing to cut down a tree 8 times…
He had exceeded the maximum number of loggin' attempts.
I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger.
Then it hit me
A masked man enters a sperm bank with a gun.
He points the gun at the woman behind the desk. Shivering in fear she says, "take anything you want!" "Open that cup of semen." The woman looks over at a tray of recent sperm samples with a disgusted look on her face. He yells, "Do it!" Shivering in fear she grabs the container and opens it. "Now drink it." "But…" He points the gun at her face and she drinks the contents. "Open another." She opens a second container. "Now drink that one." And she does. "And open another one." Confused and scared she opens a third. The gun still pointed at her he demands she continue with the third and she does. The man removes the mask revealing he is the woman's husband and says, "now that wasn't so fucking hard, was it?"
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but he wasn’t given the gold medal.
The Chinese authorities refuse to recognize Ty Won.
Why is Cinderella so bad at soccer?
She keeps running away from the ball.
Why did the chicken use the crosswalk?
Because it was safer. (Credit to I-80 sign)
I went to the doctors with hearing problems. He said, Can you describe the symptoms?
I said yeah, Homers a bald fat dude that drinks Duff and Marge has blue hair
How do you start a holy fire?
With a match made in Heaven.
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
They’re really good at it.
What do you call a Snowman witha six-pack?
An Abdominal Snowman
What is the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
A sweater I purchased was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
*burgler gently waking me*
You live like this?
Someone once told me a story about screws, nuts and bolts.
It was Riveting.
I think my phone is broken…
I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.
An American soldier, serving in World War II had just returned from several weeks of battle on the German front lines.
The soldier had been granted rest and relaxation and was on a train that was bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train in hopes of finding an empty seat. The only empty seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged English lady and was being used by her little dog. The weary soldier asked, "Please ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the solider and sniffed then said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see that my little pooch is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, looking if there were any other unoccupied seats to use, but after another trip down to the end of the train, he found himself facing the woman with the dog again. Again, the soldier asked, "Please lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted out loud, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also extremely arrogant!" The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog and tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The Woman, at a loss for words; shrieked, railed and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentlemen sitting across the aisle spoke up and said, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your autos on the wrong side of the road and now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window!."
A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother a question
"Is it true what Rita just told me?" "What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter. "Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. "But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"
Did you hear about the recent race to send a cow to space?
The steaks will be higher than ever
A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. “I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will sell me your soul, your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, your parent’s souls, your grandparent’s souls, and the souls of all your friends.
The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"
What does my iPhone drink to refuel?
Apple juice
A paedophile goings into a florist and says “I’d like to order some flowers”
“Orchids?” asks the florist “No, just the flowers” he replied
What do you call a kinky dinosaur?
A Doyouhaveasoreass
My girlfriend just asked me when I last had sex with someone that wasn’t her
I said- "Back in 02." It sounds much better than "February"
How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place. (Edit: Folks, take a breath. It is a joke.)