What sound do ceiling fans make?
CEILING! CEILING! CEILING! CEILING!
My wife threatened to kick me out of the house if I did not stop acting like a Flamingo.
That was when I put my foot down!
What do you call a constipated detective
No shit Sherlock
99 bugs in the code, 99 bugs in the code. You take one down, patch it around…
129 bugs in the code.
What so you call a letter with no friends?
Post Alone
What’s the difference between a boner and a bonus?
You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your bonus.
Donald Trump – “I’m not orange!”
“Impeach.”
People never believe me when I tell them that I got my incredibly detailed tattoo in Spain.
Nobody expects the spanish ink precision
Umm I don’t give a fuck
Umm I don’t give a fuck
The day Microsoft makes a product that doesn’t suck…
Is the day they make a vacuum cleaner.
What do you call bacon with salt on it
Salt and Peppa
Reddit was down this morning
Leaving millions of workers nothing to do except their jobs
I thought a had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my imagine Asian.
Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they'd all say "Bach bach bach!"
After the Flood, Noah commanded the animals…
"Go forth! Be fruitful! Multiply!" And so, the animals did go forth from Mt. Ararat, and behold they were fruitful and did multiply as Noah had commanded. But Noah saw that two snakes had remained with the ark. "Serpents! Why has thou not done as I have commanded, and gone forth to multiply?" "Behold, we are Adders and so cannot multiply," the snakes mournfully replied. And so Noah bade his sons to hew great trees from the mountain, and from the raw trees to construct a mighty platform, 70 cubits long and 40 cubits wide and 20 cubits tall. And when the construction was finished Noah stood upon it and proclaimed to the snakes. "Adders, behold! A table of logs, with which you may multiply by adding."
What do you call a mute bodyguard?
A silent knight.
Richard Pryor: I got famous for saying “motherfucker”. Sam Jackson: I also got famous for saying “motherfucker”.
Oedipus: You guys are all talk.
Women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity.
The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby…
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh, no. Not my brother, he is an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman: Not exactly my choice, but that isn't so bad. What did he name the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
Kid: What’re you eating, dad? Dad: Well, let’s see… whole grains, mashed fruit and bean paste. Kid: Ewwwwwww!
Dad: What’s wrong? I thought you loved peanut butter and jelly sandwiches!
A wind turbine asked his friend what music he liked.
"I'm a big metal fan."
Why do the french only use one egg when baking a cake?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
My grandma isn’t a fan of her new stairlift.
She says it drives her up the wall.
Professor X to JK Rowling:
Professor X: "What's your power?" JK Rowling: "I can rewrite the past of fictional characters." Gay Professor X: "Interesting."
NSFW While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, “Are you okay?”
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for… "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.” "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."
I used to be addicted to soap
But I'm clean now.
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it…
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
What does Donald Trump’s hair and a thong have in common?
They both barely cover the asshole. EDIT: I leave this up for a few hours and 500 upvotes already?! Thanks everyone! EDIT 2: WOW! MY FIRST MEDAL EVER! THANK YOU KIND REDDIT STRANGER!
Ultrasonic mist maker cured my asthma too. Rife, Lakhovsky
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3h9SE8KeYo&t=727s
I keep hearing people say “sweet Jesus”…
…but if you ask me he tastes saviory
Storm Ciara
I just asked Siri "surely it's still not going to be stormy tomorrow?" Siri replied, "yes it will be and don't call me Shirley" Realised my phone was in Airplane mode
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off.
I said “ son, that’s 3 schools this year… maybe teaching isn’t for you.”