What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather?
A shoe
My friend Jay recently had twins, and wanted to name them after him.
So I suggested Kay and Elle.
Did you know that French Fries don’t originate from France?
They were originally made in Greece
What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
…. Nobody knows.
Why are circumsized penises so popular among Jewish girls?
They love anything that's 15% off Just a joke lol please don't kill me with the downvotes
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don't like the taste of monkey.
“From a neighbor who posts dad jokes on little signs in his front yard. Started during the isolation to cheer up the community”
“COVID19 DAY20 Ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know”
My sister walked in and caught me masturbating. She called me a sick pervert.
I walked in and caught her masturbating. She called me a sick pervert. There's no justice in this world.
I met a snooty dude at a party in Boston, and I asked him “Did you go to Harvard?”
He said, “Yale”. I said, “I SAID, DID YOU GO TO HARVARD?”
Don’t spell part backwards
It’s a trap
Can’t believe someone broke into my shed and stole my limbo stick
How low can ya go
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"How do you eat with that thing?"
Why is a priests favourite number 3.14?
Because they are very pi-ous
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
My wife was abducted by a gang of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to her.
My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.
I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”
(At the vet) “Doctor, my two pet birds seemed to be stuck together. What is going on?”
Vet: I have no idea. It’s toucan fusing.
My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding.
She was absolutely furious and said she’s never going to play scrabble with me ever again
I hear coronavirus porn is trending.
What a bunch of sick fucks.
Do you remember Limewire? You might have ruined your parents computer but it was worth it
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0kSU9d-PfMY
What’s a pirates least favourite letter?
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Sincerely, your service provider.
I like to disassociate myself from the word ‘Xenophobia’
It's a bit too foreign-sounding for my liking.
Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up.
You don’t need make-up. Aww, that is so sweet of you! You need plastic surgery.
I went to a restaurant and the waiter sat me down and asked if I’d like to see a dessert menu.
I said "No, that's the last thing I want"
My uncle was crushed by a piano….
His funeral was very low key