What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather?
Me: That makes two of us.
No text found
She said she was sorry she ever married me.
I remember when I was a little boy, an old man suddenly stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.
So I've spent all my life working on a time machine, and now that I've built it, I'm going back in time to when he was a little boy, and I'm going to punch him and see how he likes it!
I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.
The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.
The officer asks the lawyer "Do you know why I pulled you over?" "I haven't the foggiest idea," said the lawyer. The officer replied, "You didn't make a full stop at the stop sign back there. You only slowed down." The lawyer thinks for a few seconds then says, "If you can prove to me the difference between stopping and slowing down, I'll take full responsibility. Otherwise, you let me off with a warning. Sound fair?" The officer ponders it shortly before nodding his head. "Sounds fair. Can you step out of the car please?" Just as the lawyer steps out and shuts the car door, the officer pulls out his baton and starts beating the lawyer. After a few swings, the officer says, "Now, would you like me to stop or slow down?"
But a semi colon is not; you should see a proctologist about that.
Dad: I don’t see any future in it.
Police: “Open the door!” – Man: “I don’t want any balls!” – Police: “What? We don’t have balls!” – Man: “I know.”
Just dress up as one of my professors, they barely cover anything
"Hola milk, soy es tu padre!"
I didn't really want it, but my uncle gave it to me anyway.
It's their little anty bodies.
Crows had to drink at home.
I suppose the funeral wasn’t the right place to say it.
Because they're still alive.
I just want to give a shout out to all you motherfuckers out there.
Children shouldn't run with scissors and Lesbians shouldn't scissor with the runs
There's only two of us working here so I have to make every second count.
Because they're so good at it.
She's a nightmare
I said “like bacon and burgers?” He said “no fatty, don’t eat anything!”
Because they have little anty bodies
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
But it’s growing on me.
the letter “f”
Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they all said "Bach Bach Bach!"
A farmer quickly purchased land in a low lying depression, and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill, and the donkeys rarely got away.
In other words, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so they wouldn't by pass the ass hole.