What starts with “P”, ends with “E”, and has thousands of letters?
the Post Office
Day 5(?) of wfh. My co-worker insists on ‘reviewing’ my code but also brought along an external consultant called Dilophosaurus that only speaks in roars. They keep making additions to the code that end up giving loads of compile errors, but then blame it all on me. Not productive at all.
https://ift.tt/33x5hp5
Blond woman has been stopped by police becouse of speeding..
Cop approaches the drivers door. "Is there a problem, Officer?" Cop says, "Ma'am, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?" The woman responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one." "You don't have one?" and she responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving." Cop is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?" "I'm sorry, I can't do that." cop asks, "Why not?" "I stole this car." Cop says, "Stole it?" And she says, "Yes, and I killed the owner." At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?" "he is in the trunk if you want to see." Cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun. The senior officer says, "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!" The blonde steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?" "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner." "Murdered the owner?" She asks. The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?" Woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but spare tire and tools. The officer says, "Is this your car Ma'am?" and she answers, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers. The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence." Then woman digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, Ma'am. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner." Woman then replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you this was a repost, too!"
Taking things literally
is stealing.
I just watched a program about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
What’s 50 Cent’s name in Zimbabwe?
400 Million dollars
A man asks his wife, “What would you do if I won the lottery?” She replied, “I’d take half then leave you.”
"Sweet!", he replied. "I won $20. Here's $10. Now bugger off."
As I handed my Dad his 47th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
"You know, one would have been enough."
I can’t believe Kim Jon Un wants to nuke South Korea
Does he have no Seoul
What kind of bees produce milk ?
Boo bees
When feeding me my mother would say “here comes the choo choo train…..”
and i had to eat it otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the track
I turned 18 today, and to celebrate I bought a locket and put my own picture in it…
I guess I really am independent!
What do you call an overweight psychic?
A four-chin teller.
I just bought a pen that writes underwater!
It writes other words too.
The government denied tax exemption for my church that believes Jesus spoke with a lisp
It was a real slap in the faith.
Little Johnny gets caught playing doctor with the neighbour girl.
Dad doesn’t approve thinking Johnny is on track to knock up a young teen in a few years. “Johnny, you know that girls have teeth down there? “What, are you lying?” “Nope, you need to keep clear of that business son” Years later in high school Johnny starts dating a girl but after some time she starts wondering why Johnny hasn’t tried to take things to the next level. “Johnny, are you attracted to me? We’ve been together for months and you haven’t tried sleeping with me yet. Is something wrong?” Johnny replies, “When I was younger, my dad told me that girls have teeth, you know, down there. “That’s silly”, she says, “let me show you”. So she starts to strip from the waist down, lies back and spreads her legs. “See! No teeth!” Johnny looking horrified says “ Well no wonder! Look at the state of your gums!!!”
3 women die and go to heaven. The only rule? Do NOT step on a duck.
3 women die and go to heaven. God tells them that they are free to do as they please, but there is only one rule. Never. Step. On. A. Duck. Seems easy enough. The next day the first woman steps on a duck. POOF! She is suddenly handcuffed to a really ugly guy. The other 2 women make sure to be extra careful to not step on a duck. The next day the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and POOF! She's suddenly handcuffed to an even UGLIER guy! The last woman made VERY sure not to step on a duck. And she never did. Until one day, POOF! She was suddenly handcuffed to a gorgeous man. She asked him, "What did I ever do to be handcuffed to you?" He looked at her and said, "I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."
What’s worse than the doctor putting his hand on your shoulder during a prostate exam?
The doctor putting two hands on your shoulders during a prostate exam.
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to repay you.
I got thrown out of DisneyWorld for spreading my dead mother’s remains around the park. It was her dying wish.
The security guards said I probably should have cremated her first.
Christmas is a lot like sex
I always get really excited but after it's over I regret spending all that money.
Why did the bee get married?
Because he found his honey.
While my wife was in labor I read her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused…
I guess it was the delivery!
Girlfriend asks me ” Soooo, what sounds good to you?”
Me: A blowjob Gf: Me: Gf: Waitress: I'll give you two a couple more minutes.
When you die, which body part dies last?
The pupils. They dilate.