What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry
What so you call a letter with no friends?
Post Alone
I have an Irish friend with a great personality that always bounces off the walls.
His name is Rick OโShea.
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keeps attacking him.
I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
If something were heat resistant…
Would you say it's heat proof, to a certain degree?
What’s a gay man’s favorite emoji?
๐ Because it puts a D right next to a colon.
What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
You can't hear an enzyme.
Next time your wife is angry, give her a towel as cape.
Then say : now you are super angry! She might laugh.. you might die.
What has two butts and can kill people?
An Assassin
A Woman goes to her local church to talk to the Priest.
The Priest asks her, "What troubles you, my child?" The woman replies,"Father, I have two female parrots at home. They only say " Hey cutie, wanna have some fun? " and " You can do whatever you want to me ", and nothing else. This has ruined more than one dinner party. I don't know what to do!" "Worry not, my child" the Priest says. "I have two male parrots at the abbey that only pray and read scriptures. Perhaps your parrots should spend some time with them and they might pick up better language." The woman thanks the priest and brings her parrots the next day. On entering the birdcage, the two female parrots immediately go," Hey cutie, wanna have some fun? " and" you can do whatever you want to me. " One male parrot says to the other," Look Frank! Our prayers have been answered! "
The pope visits Texas…
He gets the VIP treatment. Limos. The works. One day thereโs a bit of a mix up in his schedule and he finds himself in his limo with just the driver. Nobody else. Seeing the opportunity he asks, โMr Driver I havenโt had a days peace in decades. One of my old pleasures was to just drive my car. Please, you will be blessed, can I drive the limo?โ The driver reluctantly agrees. They swap seats and off the Pope goes. Obviously, completely caught up in the experience he goes way over the speed limit. Only to be pulled over by a state trooper. Trooper knocks on the window. Pope winds it down. Trooper takes one look at the Pope and returns to his squad car without saying a word. The trooper gets on the radio and calls his sergeant. โBoss. We have a problem here.โ โWhat is it?โ says his boss. The trooper explains heโs stopped a limo for speeding. โYou know how you said to call you first if I ever caught a big fish? Iโve caught a big fishโ. โWell who is it man?!โ exclaims the sergeant. โHeโs a big fish!โ says the trooper! โWell who for crying out loud, is he a fellow officer?!โ โBigger fish than that!โ says the trooper. โTell me who it is! Is it a senator?!โ โBigger!โ โThe governor?!โ โBIGGER!!โ โTell me or Iโll have your badge officer!!!โ SCREAMS the sergeant! โI donโt know who he is but his driver is the Pope!!โ
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as a choir boy
Hillary Clinton says โmany, many, many peopleโ are urging her to run for president in 2020.
And most of them are Republicans.
After all these years, my wife still thinks Iโm sexy.
Every time I walk by she says, โWhat an Ass.โ
I hope Elon Musk never gets caught up in a scandal.
Elongate would really stretch on.
If a blind girl tells you your dick is the biggest she’s ever felt…
She's probably pulling your leg.
I put LEDs on her engagement ring
Her face lit up when I proposed
What do you call a hippies wife. Mississippi…..
No text found
Where do Muslim llamas come from?
Alpacastan! …I'm not sorry.
If I had to rate the Solar System
I would give it one star
If a woman from Cuba marries a man from Iceland
Are their children called ice cubes?
My friend just phoned and asked me if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent…
My friend just phoned and asked me if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent… And you know me always willing to help my friends and family out… I told her…"give me a minute let me check my account and I'll phone u right back." Before I could check my account my friend's mom phones and says, "Donโt give her any money because she's lying.โ Mom proceeds to tell me that she wants to use that $500 to get her boyfriend out of jail because she wants to be under the same roof with him for her birthday!!! So I thought about it for a minute, and decided to go ahead and give her the $500 cuz we all need help at times… So I phoned her back and said, "yea, I can help you" and met her and gave her an envelope of cash. A couple hours later, I got a call from the County Jail, I say hello and she starts screaming and asking, โWhy did you give me counterfeit money?!" I replied: " so you and your boyfriend would be under the same roof for your birthday!!!"
A string walks into a bar
He says "Bartender, get me a beer." The bartender says "We don't serve your kind here." The string is pissed. He goes into the alley, twists himself up, messes up his hair, and storms back inside. "Bartender. Get me a beer." The bartender eyes him suspiciously. "Hey, ain't you that string I sent out earlier?" The string shakes his head. "I'm a frayed knot."
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip.”
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door: Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T! When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me." The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry". The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God" Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's. Don't refer to Jesus and the 12 disciples J.C. and the boys.
I just had to breakup with my cross eyed girlfriend
She was seeing other people
Schrodinger gets pulled over by the cops and they do a search of his car.
Cop: Did you know you have a dead cat in your trunk? Schrodinger: I do now.
How do you find a velociraptor?
Distanceraptor divided by timeraptor
Did you hear about the dog that ran ten miles to retrieve a stick?
That sounds a little far fetched
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain…
In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support…