what the fuck did I just see?

“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”

1

Clerk responds, "No problem, sir. This room is called 'The Lobby'"

I guess that's why my mum throws me a birthday party every year

There would be mass confusion.

My daughter, Chewbacca, not so much

"We have your son," said the kidnapper. "I don't have a son," says the woman. "Then who just asked for warm milk and made us cut the crust off his sandwiches?" "Oh, God you have my husband!"

Polio

I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I’m disappointed.

Much… flatter.

The interviewer calls the candidate for the interview. The candidate enters and gives his resume. The interviewer takes a look and mentions that he is going to peruse through it. The interviewer starts reading through the projects and sees that he single-handedly led all his teams. He commends him on the same. He looks again and sees that one of his main characteristics is a good team player. He is confused and asks him "It says here that you are a team but you single-handedly led most teams. Isn't that contradictory?" The candidate smiles and says "If everyone in the team likes to work with me, I am a good team player, right?" The interviewer says "Yes" "Well, I am the only person on the team and I like working with me"

Eager to keep his wife out of trouble while he was away on a long business trip, a businessman went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. After browsing through the dildos for something special, he decided to ask the old guy behind the counter. The old man said "We have vibrating dildo, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except…." and he stoped. "Except what?" The man asked. "Nothing, Nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick'." The old man reached under the counter, pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbles, and opened it. There lay a very ordinary looking dildo. The buissness man laughed, and commented that it looked like every other dildo in this shop. "But you haven't seen what it'll do," said the proprietor. H pointed to a door and said, "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook, and started split down the middle, at which point the old man commanded, "Voodoo dick, back to your box!" The voodoo dick stoped, floted back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" Said the business man. The old man said it was not for sale, but finally suurendred ut for 700 dollers in cash. Plesed as punch, the business man gave his wife the gift, explaned that all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy" if she got lonely, and set off on his business trip. After a few days, the wife got unbereably horny. Feeling a little foolish, she opened the box and said tentatilvely, "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot out of the box, made a beeline for her croch, and started pumping away. It was fabulous, like nothing she'd ever experienced before, and she lay back and enjoyed the rush of pleasure. After 3 orgasms, she decided she had enough and reached to pull out the dildo. It wouldn't budge. Nothing worked. The voodoo dick was stuck, trusting away. Her husband forgot to tell her how to turn it off. Desprate, she pulled on a skirt, got in the car, and headed for the hospital, nearly fainting with exitement and exhaustion. On the way, another orgasom nearly made her swerve of the road., and to her horror a squad car pulled her over. First the policeman asked for her license. Then, observing her disheveled state, he asked how much she'd had to drink. Twiching and sweting, she gasped, "I haven't been drinking, officer. A voodoo dildo is stuck in my pussy, and it won't stop screwing!" "Sure, lady," said the officer after another long look at her. "Voodoo dick, my ass!"

The last thing I need is a bunch of baby couches running around the place

He took me to the edge of our rather large property, He shot one tree, then another, then another, with very impressive aim. "Alright son, you're up!" I aimed at a tree that hadn't been shot yet "No son! Not that one!" "Why not?" "Because that's not archery!" So I shot one of the others "Was that alright?" "That's fine, that's archery." ​

Then she looked in the freezer

Dad: I don’t know who that is. Me: how do you not know who Stan Lee is? Dad: Because you haven’t told me his last name. Me:….

That when he dies he'll walk toward the light and switch it off.

Anyone can mash potatoes.

I had a car crash the other day. A dwarf got out of the other car and said, “I'm not happy”. To which I replied, “Which one are you then?”

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed …. Bill's wife was not wearing any panties! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" John admitted that, well, yes he did. She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 p.m. on Friday. Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 p.m. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex, and then John left. Bill came home about 6:00 P.M. He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?" Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?" She thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!' Finally she says, "Yes, he did give me $100." "Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back.

Apparently transparency is very important to them. (I'll let myself out…)

I've never run so far in my life.

The more ohms, the greater the resistance.

Now that’s a site for sore eyes

She's probably pulling your leg

Cammom-bear! (sorry if ya heard this one already)

Benjamin Franklin was the greatest US President.

I wish I had never put it on.

to Barack Obama’s Fault

An Irrelephant.

'Don't mind him, he's just a product of our times.'