What the hell chris
She wasn't Karen about any opinion but her own.
The ceremony was alright but the reception was EXCELLENT!
Otherwise she wouldn’t untie me from the tracks.
Because they lactose
When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven. Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder… "Want to make a bet while we wait?" The Gambler asks. "If I can guess your last words in three tries, you have to let me cut ahead of you." The old man, having nothing better to do, agrees. Immediately, the gambler begins "reading" him like the pro player he is. He notices the elderly Asian man's shirt is open, exposing a pair of defibrillator marks. "Don't be silly, it's just indigestion." the gambler remarks. The old man looks a bit surprised, then steps aside, giving up his place in line. Next, the gambler taps on a redneck's shoulder. He makes the same bet, and the redneck also accepts. "This one's easy!" the gambler smirks, sizing up the bruised, bloody, grass stained redneck with the caved in skull. "Hold my beer!" Muttering profanities, the redneck begrudgingly steps aside and gives up his place in line. Riding the high of a hot streak, the gambler wastes no time tapping the next man ahead of him on the shoulder. He quickly makes the same bet, and is ecstatic when the agreement is made. "Okay, let's see…" The gambler studies the new mark carefully. He's a large, imposing black man riddled with several bullet holes. The gambler holds his hand out like a gun. "You ain't taking me alive!" The man shakes his head. Wrong. The gambler strokes his chin. The guy is giving him nothing else to work with. The gambler holds the 'gun' sideways, makes a mean face, and shouts, "Fuck the police!" Wrong again. The gambler's getting frustrated, now. He's never been unable to read someone before. Finally, the gambler throws his hands in the air. "I'VE GOT NOTHING!" He shouts. "I GIVE UP!" The man steps aside.
They're all back stabbers
Even our wedding cake was in tiers.
He’s still alive, but he’s 95 years old, and I want my guess to be closest without going over.
Sometimes it is better to just walk away from things and go back to them later when you’re in a better frame of mind.
While it's true, that's how I lost my job as a surgeon.
…She's definitely a keeper! EDIT: This is the first joke I make up myself as a non-native speaker. I'm proud.
Guess it was always my way or the huawei i'm so sorry, I tried
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets the credit.
“You’re much bigger than that.”
I thought, “I don’t have time for this shit.”
“Nervous.” Asked the interviewer. “No, I always give 110%”
I thought to myself "well I can't turn that down!"
It was an accident but the girl gets a really nasty black eye. So the next day the girl gets to tell to all her friends about it and blames the brother. The brother doesn’t like the unwarranted attention. He goes to his father and tells him he doesn’t like his sister telling everyone he hit her. The father finds it reasonable and tells the sister not to tell people about it as it is embarrassing the brother. The next day she goes to school and the teacher notices the black eye. The teacher goes up to girl and asks if she is alright. The girl responds that she is fine. The teacher then asks how she got such a nasty black eye. The sister responds, “My father told me not to say.”
Those jokes are a decade old now!
Fine wine doesn’t try and escape from my cellar.
Well son, Teresa is an anagram. If you rearrange the letters, it spells “Easter”. -Oh, so you named her that on account of how much you and mom love Easter. Yes, that’s right, Alan. -Thanks, Dad!
I thought,wow, that's pretty big
They are ok by themselves, but when three of them get together, they are just horribly racist.
Children shouldn't run with scissors and Lesbians shouldn't scissor with the runs
As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an efficiency expert visited our restaurant. He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen." The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time." "Wait a minute," said the diner, "How do you get your penis back in your pants?" "Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
Because it has 2 shifts.
Because people are exorcising.
Then you'll all be sorry!
Four religious men of the cloth go on a fishing trip That night in the fish house they decide to confess their greatest sin to each other. The Catholic priest says, "my greatest sin is lust. I look at porn constantly online and when I can I have crazy sex with parishioners." The Rabbi says "my sin is greed. I never give to charities and sometimes steal from the Temple." The Islamic imam says, "my sin is gluttony. At least once a week I go to the liquor store for a six-pack and then head to McDonalds in the middle of the night and get a big bag of Big Macs, Bacon cheese burgers and fries and eat and drink it all while sitting in the parking lot." The Baptist minister says, "My greatest sin is gossip and I can't wait to get back to town!"
Kicked out of Sea World
Well, it's not hard.
…. when I thought "not only does my son have a really stupid name, he´s also a terrible driver"
I said “Is that a fret”
Because when you cry, you moist your eyes.
But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
…you become a vacuum cleaner. And furthermore, true house cleaners aren't just born, they're maid.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Instant karma. Saluting this Judge who threw a drunk driver’s mom in jail for laughing at victim’s family in court