What type of car believes in capital punishment?
What’s the time?
11:34 right now
Have you heard of the man with 5 penises?
He’s been looking for a condom that fits like a glove.
The quarantine has brought a bountiful harvest to the family group chat from my mother
Have a chemistry midterm today, wish me luck :D
We all have bills to pay
Is 400 a lot?
Medicare for All helps EVERYONE
Hoarding wealth is so quirky
A sheepdog tells the farmer he’s going to round up the sheep and comes back with 50 sheep and the farmer says “We only have 48 sheep.”
The dog replies "I said I was going to round them up,"
Fat jokes are not OK! (except this one)
Sit down, Karen.
My father always laughed at me when I got shocked playing with electricity
He’d laugh and say, “Son, you’re grounded.”
The pool on the titanic is still full…
Let that sink in
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office:
I will find you. You have my Word!
Who is ready for election season ???
Eventual consistency in comicstrip form
My Psychology textbook is a goldmine
Well of course Dad jokes! Dad is hilarious!
A man has a habit of starting every morning by breaking wind.
Of course, his wife finds this habit disgusting, and even as she asks him to stop, he only snickers, continuing the habit every morning. After one of the husband's daily bouts of morning flatulence, the woman tells him that if he continues to fart every morning, his intestines will come out of his ass. Of course, he does not believe her claim, and he gets up, as every day before. Enraged, the woman thinks of a solution. Later that day, the woman saves the intestines from the turkey that she has cooked, preparing to give her husband a proper scare. When he's fallen asleep, she puts the turkey intestines in his underwear, and when he wakes up, after delivering his usual sour flatuosity, he is horrified to feel what he presumes to be his own innards in his underwear. As the man rushes to the bathroom, holding his behind all the way, his wife smiles content, asking: "I told you that would happen!" As she hears a grunt and a slopping sound, her husband comes out of the bathroom, a satisfied grin on his face. "Yes," he says, "but thanks to God's grace and these two fingers, all is back where it should be."
perfectly drawn flag
Have you seen my bank statement, though?
oops! all atoms!
No one could have seen this coming
Guess I’ll go to jail then
The word “diputseromneve” may look ridiculous…
…but backwards, it’s even more stupid…
A man goes to a job interview.
"Well, everything looks great," the employer said. "But I see here there was an 8 year gap since your last job. What happened there?" "Oh, I went to yale," the man told him. "Neat!" The employer responded enthusiastically. "You're hired! You start on Monday." "Yay!" the man exclaimed. "I got a yob!"
Only because of the current protest this Officer gets help
Where do suicide bombers go when they die?
iPhone 12 Trailer – 48 Cameras (Parody)
People get impressed when I tell them my home is designed by a famous Italian.
Until I invite them home and they realize I live in a Fiat.
My son asked me if I peeked at my presents early this year…
I told him that I had Clausible deniability.
And the people bowed and prayed To the neon god they made
If i had a dollar for every girl that didn’t find me attractive,
they'd eventually find me attractive.
Fishing is the only thing that gives my life purpose and fulfilment
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”
For all my fellow VSauce subscribers!
Little Boy: Daddy I want to be like president Trump when i grow up!
Dad: "Well pick one son, you can't do both"
Hindsight is 2020
An old Soviet joke I found on Wikipedia slightly adapted by me.
A frightened man runs into the KGB offices. “My talking parrot has disappeared!” He yells at the receptionist. “That’s not the type of case we handle, go to the criminal police” she responds. “I know that,” he stammers “I just wanted to tell you officially that I disagree with everything the parrot says!”
“My wife suffers from a drinking problem”
"Is she an alcoholic?" "No I am, but she is the one who suffers"
He’s Going To Facebook Jail
Guide to quarantine
What do you call a kid who is born in a whorehouse?
A brothel sprout (I’ll let myself out)
I broke my finger at work today…
On the other hand, everything is OK
I hope someone woke up Green Day
No text found
What does the marxman put in his gun?
How to save the princess using 8 programming languages
I’m a huge Star Wars fan and my wife wanted a divorce
So I handed her the divorce papers and said “may div orce be with you”
What is a deal-breaker for the cult?…Own it
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Occam’s razor can be used to cut right through the Republican’s BS
Found on Instagram
A man attempted to kill me in my own house last night…
Luckily I was in my living room.
So our boss just banned overly specific nicknames.
Now our whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner
Why are there two D’s in “Reddit?”
The second one's a repost.
Do NOT be fooled guys!
What do you call pasta with a cold?
Macaroni and sneeze Was told to me by my 3 year old
Pretty important things
You really shouldn’t watch any horror movie today
It may, Fri 10 you.
my uncle be like
Its just to hold on to the buzzword