What type of elf is the rudest?
A go fuck yourself
A feminist told me about the “Dwayne Johnson Rule.”
The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it. I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her: "Your chest is fucking epic."
What did the farmer say to the cows at night? ๐
Itโs pasture bedtime.
If you pull a pin from a grenade, how do you put it back in?
Quick answers please.
NSFW – A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter’s bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.What are you doing?” she exclaimed. The daughter replied, “I’m 35 and still living at home with my parents an
What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. He replied…………"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils; they dilate.
When I was younger my parents made me walk the plank.
We couldn't afford a dog.
The first day of school, I signed up for English, Math, Science, and Geography.
The rest, as they say, is History.
What is often at the beginning of a question
No text found
Man sits at a bar and orders five shots…
the bartender asks the guy, "What's up bud? You look rough." "Well," says the man, "I just found out my dad is gay and he's left my mom for some pool boy." "Ouch," says the bartender, "here, these are on the house today." A few days later the same guy comes in and orders another five shots. "Oh no man, what happened this time?" The bartender asks. "Just found out my brother is gay, he's left his wife for a man he met at a gay bar last week." "I'm sorry man," the bartender says, "these are on the house." Just one week later the guy comes in again and orders ten shots. The bartender asks, "Man! Doesn't anyone in your family like women?" The guy responds, "Yeah…my wife."
A Mormon is seated next to an Irishman on a plane..
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US. ย After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." ย The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
My son and I were going through the alphabet together.
I said โson, what is A for?โ โApple!โ โThatโs right! What is B for?โ โBanana!โ Thatโs right! What is C for?โ โExplosive!โ
The larger the feet, the larger the penis. The larger the vehicle, the smaller the penis.
Maybe thatโs why everyone is so scared of clowns.
Why don’t chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?
Because they make the toys.
How do you know when your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.
My wife and I met at the store when we were both buying a copy of the Disney movie โupโ
It was the perfect meet cute and we kept both copies even after getting married. It was sweet. Not all things are meant to last and when things got a bit rocky we decided to get divorced. I let her keep the apartment and moved my stuff out. Unfortunately, we live in one of those states that mail out ballots. She sent me a text a week after I had left to let me know my ballot had come to the apartment. We had ended things amicably, but neither of us wanted to see each other so soon. Committed to my civic duty, I dropped by after work the next day. When she opened the door she was in tears. She had me come in and I immediately saw it, I had forgotten to take my copy of the movie. Somehow, this felt more final than actually signing the divorce papers. I still cared about her, so I asked if she wanted to talk at all. She shook her head and said through tears, โJust take your Up, vote and go.โ
A mime was arrested in my town after getting into a bar fight and breaking his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
I downloaded all the music to the movie Titanic.
It's syncing now.
Where did Noah keep his bees?
In the Ark hives
How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb?
Why does it have to be a group activity?
A lottery winner decides to fulfill his lifelong dream of owning a horse and goes to a high end stable.
"I'm not really sure which kind I want," he tells the owner. "Well, it depends on what you want them to do," the owner says. "Over here, we have a Type A horse – good workers, but temperamental. Back there eating hay you have a Type B horse – mostly good for companionship." "That sounds interesting. What about the one swimming in the lake over there?" the lottery winner says. "Oh, him? That's a C horse."
distance raptor over time raptor equals…
VELOCIRAPTOR -heehee physics jokes
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi (not a rabbit) want to see whoโs best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: โWhen I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.โ โI found a bear by the stream,โ says the minister, โand preached Godโs holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.โ They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. โLooking back,โ he says, โmaybe I shouldnโt have started with the circumcision.
A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag.
The girl replied, โThanks for the Baghdadโ
What are goosebumps for?
To slow geese down.
I thought getting a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant….
but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
Did you hear about the cow who tried to jump over a barbed wire fence?
It was udder destruction.
6 was scared of 7 because 7 8 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
Because youโre supposed to eat three squares meals a day.
A man’s lifelong dream was to meet the pope.
For years and years, he scrimped, scrounged, and saved up all his money for a lavish trip to Italy. Wanting to look his best for the pontiff, he had a custom-fitted suit tailored to his exact measurements and bought the finest Italian leather boots money could buy. The next morning he awoke before the dawn to make his way to Vatican City to meet the pope on his morning walk through his crowd of devout followers. He pushed his way to the front of the crowd, wanting to get as close to the Holy Father as possible. The grand doors opened and the pope emerged, greeting his followers, shaking hands, and offering blessings. The man caught the pope's eye, and the pope smiled and started walking towards him. This was it! He was finally going to get to share words with God's representative on Earth! Just as he was approaching the man, the pope noticed a downtrodden beggar lying in the ditch opposite the man. The pope changed course, made way for the beggar, bent down, and whispered something in the poor man's ear. The beggar nodded, got up, and walked off. The pope, now on the other side of the crowd, continued on away from the man. The man was devastated. He had missed his only chance to fulfill his ultimate dream. As the crowd dispersed, he noticed the beggar in the distance. A plan emerged in his mind. He made his way up to the beggar and said, "Sir, I would like to offer you a trade. I will give you my suit, my boots, and all of the cash in my wallet in exchange for your rags and tattered shoes. I believe this act of humility is my best chance to finally meet the pope." The poor man quickly agreed, of course, and the two men traded clothes. The next morning, the man made his way back to the Vatican and proceeded to lie down in the exact spot the beggar was the day before. The grand doors opened once again, and the pontiff emerged to meet his people. As the pope was walking through the crowd, the man saw that the pope was heading his way! His plan was going to work! Sure enough, the pope came over to him, knelt down and whispered, "I thought I told you to get the fuck out of here yesterday."
I asked my friend nic if he had 5 cents,
But he was nicholas.
Finally finished my huge book on the history of clocks.
It's about time.
David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink. “Itโs a pleasure to serve you Mr Hasselhoff,โ said the bartender.
โJust call me Hoff,โ he replied.ย โSure,โ said the bartender. โNo hassle.โ
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.