What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?
A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago." "And what about the third rose?" she asked. "Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
Hi John, I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?
A dangerous, digital age unspoken disease! Watch NOW!
The doctors described his condition as stable.
Hey! That's a salt!
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
My calculus professor was 16 minutes late to his first class, 8 minutes late to his second, and 4 minutes late to the third.
At this rate, he will never be in class on time.
Every Dad: Woah didn’t see ya there
Because you can’t C in the dark.
you might even say the bacon is CRISPR
A happy, hollow ween!
My drone's been flying about there all morning no problem.
They say it's a blast from the past.
It was Won Ton
"Son, you know that one would have been enough."
Quit shaking the ladder you little bastard!!!
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.
Especially since his name is Steve
He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood. So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his roommate Big Jake in and asks him to fan them with a towel while they make love. Jake agrees. So Tim's fucking away while Jake stands there fanning the two of them with a towel. Still nothing. The girl doesn't even come close to climaxing. Finally after half an hour, Jake humbly suggests, "I think I know what's wrong. Maybe we should switch just once." Tim is desperate to finally please his woman, so he agrees. Jake climbs on and starts fucking Tim's girl while Tim stands there fanning with the towel. Within minutes, she's having multiple screaming, moaning, thrashing, squirting orgasms as Big Jake thrusts away. Tim grins, triumphantly. "You see, Jake!" he says. "Now this is how you fan a girl with a towel!"
To beat the crowd.
They just walk around the board paying rent, never able to buy anything.
It's nice to have some company
A buddy of mine wasn’t feeling well, so I decided to send him 10 of my best puns to make him feel better.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Productivity is through the roof since nobody can leave the office.
The bartender says, “what do you think this is, a granola bar? “.
"Is this good for wasps?" he asked the assistant. "No, it kills them."
Because you’ll get jurasskicked.
Me: Hey dad, where are you off to? Dad: I'm heading out to a Korean boy-band show. Me: KPOP?! Dad: Yes, I'm fine.
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
The class had just scratched the surface!