What type of shoes do spies wear?
You can make jokes about anything, just not illegals
That's Crossing the Border
Why are reposts always upvoted more than original jokes?
You need to tell it to a redditor multiple times for them to get it.
What’s the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?
One sells watches, while the other watches cells. 😆
4 college guys go on a weekend road trip.
They are having such a good time that they decide to play hooky and skip out on their Monday exam in psychology. They all send their professor an email saying they had a flat tire while out of town and the professor said no problem, unexpected things happen. They could take it on Tuesday. Celebrating their white lie they had another big night out and headed back on Monday. When they got back on campus Tuesday they went and saw their professor and she asked if they were all right, thanked them for letting her know ahead of time, and told them to get ready for the test. Inwardly laughing they were separated into four separate rooms so as not to cheat. All four flipped over the sheet and saw only two questions: For 5% credit, what does DSM stand for in the DSM-5? For 95% credit, which tire went flat?
Warning, this is a huge spoiler
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
What snack will you always find at a KKK rally?
HTML/CSS are real coding languages
Two ladies talking in heaven
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda. 2nd woman: Hi! I'm Lynne. How'd you die? 1st woman: I Froze to Death. 2nd woman: How Horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer… we'd both still be alive.
I have a friend with 5 legs,
His pants fit like a glove.
How to feel less lonely during lockdown:
What did the burglar say when he detonated a bomb to get into Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow, this blew up. Thanks for the gold!
I don’t know why marvel hasn’t tried to advertise on the hulk.
He’s a giant banner after all.
toilet humor funny joke meme haha
Junior is trying to fix a bug…
He had no choice
Wife and I got a flat tire driving back from the farmer’s market
I should have bought asparagus
How can you scare people with your impression of an elephant?
Turn both of your pants pockets inside out, and say, “hey, you ever seen my impression of an elephant?” while reaching for your zipper.
Only time he was right
I don’t trust umbrellas.
A cow got into the marijuana field…
Now the steaks are high.
I went into a Chinese takeaway last night
The owner of the shop said, What do you do for a riving? I said, What do I do for a living? I'm a bit of a comedian. So the Chinese chap says, Go on then, change color. I said, No. I'm not a chameleon, I'm a comedian. So then he says, Tell me a joke, make me raff. I said, You want me to tell you a joke and make you laugh? Just then his wok caught fire, so I said, Wok. Wok. And he said, Who der?
A man walked into a bar on the 100th floor of a building, chugged a pint, then jumped out of an open window.
Ten minutes later, with no injuries, he ran back into the bar, chugged a pint, then jumped out of the same window. When he returned ten minutes later, a man asked him how he survived. “You see, alcohol makes you warmer and heat rises. So if you chug a pint really quickly then concentrate really hard as you fall, you temporarily float just before you hit the ground.” The man was so amazed that he too chugged a pint even faster than the other man, then jumped out of the window. He fell and fell and fell… and then landed on the ground with a splat. He died instantly. The bartender then turned to the man in the bar and said, “You’re such a dick when you’re drunk, Superman.”
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
Who can drink two liters of gasoline?
Shocking new revelations
What’s Gordon Ramsay’s favorite subreddit?
It's fucking r/aww
It’s 4AM and I have nowhere else to send this meme I made…
So you died from eating too much gravy?
You went from the ladle to the grave.
Why do some people post long jokes here?
This isn't where they be long.
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I’m disappointed.
Improving the world ? Pah, Libtard.
I don’t trust stairs
They're always up to something.
Locked out naked man tries to get back inside the apartment
I like coding my hands are not greasy anymore
Selfie Bad, Photo Good
If you get in a fight at the circus…
You should go for the juggler.
Yes, very interesting…
The US Space Force uniform camouflage vs the Netflix Space Force Series uniform camouflage
Why did the Mexican guy take xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
My kid got sunburned on only one of their butt cheeks
My wife said I did a half ass job applying sunscreen
So a doctor has sex with one of his patients…
And is feeling pretty down about it. On his left shoulder appears a devil. The devil consoles him saying "Hey man, don't even worry about it. Doctors have sex with their patients all the time. You are definitely not the only one." Then on his right shoulder appears an angel who says "Come on man! You're a vet!!"
LIBERAL BAD, VEHICULAR MAN SLAUGHTER GOOD
I will always remember the words my grandpa said right before he kicked the bucket.
"I wonder how far I can kick this bucket?"
Many people think the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden was an apple or fig, but many scholars now think it was, surprisingly, a mango.
For God said to Adam on that infamous day: "Now that you have partaken of the fruit, Man, GO!"
This legend made a 3D model of an animal cell in Minecraft
My dad told me he was entering an Iron Man competition then sent me this.
Atleast it works.
“Sinking” health insurance
Dollars for some
This gem was posted by my uncle on Facebook.
Today i received this. love it
Courtesy of the family groupchat
Her: “Undress me with your words.”
Him: "There's a spider in your bra."
My daughter got scared when she had her first period
I told her it was an ovary action.
My girlfriend broke up with me. So i took her wheel chair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Hello!- Wait, it’s you…
* confused noises intensifying*
What do you call a teacher who doesn’t fart in public?
A private tutor!!! Ha!
I would like all of it please
Two Women Were Playing Golf…
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his "pain." "Please allow me to help, I am a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" She told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnnoo, I'll be alright…I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. She gently took his hands away and laid them to his side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage to his privates for several long moments and then asked, “How does that feel”? The man looked up at her and replied, "That feels pretty good … but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
I’ve been having the most difficult time figuring out what audio system to put in my car.
I hate making decisions based on stereotypes.
Et al feels
Who would win?
Need full marks in practicals
Three Jewish women are eating lunch. The waiter comes over and says…
is anything okay?
Husband bad. Garden good.
Four friends who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years reunite at a party
Four friends who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years reunite at a party. After several drinks one of the men had to use the restroom those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, “My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied economics and business administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.” The second guy said, “Darn, That’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to light school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company where he owns the majority of its assets. He’s so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet or his birthday.” The third man said, “Well, that’s terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.” The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: “What are all the congratulations for?” One of the three said: “We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?” The fourth man replied: “My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a striper at a nightclub.” The three friends said: “What a shame… what a disappointment.” The fourth man replied: “No, I’m not ashamed. He’s my son and I love him. And he hasn’t done too bad either. His birthday was three weeks ago, and he receive a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion…a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!”