what types of drugs do sea creatures consume?
seaweed!!
Wife: I’m pregnant.
Husband: Hi pregnant, I'm dad. Wife: No you're not.
Why dont chickens insult each other?
They dont like getting roasted
If a killer whale wanted to compete with the Philharmonic, he could just sip on a soda.
Then he'd have a full orca straw.
A guy walks into a bar…
notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?" "Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money…" The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?" "Pay first. Those are the rules," says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. "O.K.," the bartender says. "Here's what you need to do: First, you have to drink an entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there is pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there's a 90 year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've got to make things right for her." The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then do those other things!" "Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is." As time goes on the man has a few drinks, then a few more, and he asks, "Where's zat tequila?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a few big slurps. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence. Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body. "NOW," he says, "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
I gave up my last few hairs to wear a cheap wig.
It's a small-price toupee.
My favorite sex position is “WOW”…
it's where I flip your MOM over
Went to the doctors for a prostate exam
During the exam he said it's not unusual to become aroused or even ejaculate ……. But I still wish he hadn't
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-Smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are "cremation" and "burial"
To be Frank
I’d have to change my name
I went to see an Egyptian doctor to try and fix my back…
He's a Cairo-practor…
Trump goes to Russia to have dinner with Putin…
After dinner they’re hanging around the palace smoking cigars when Putin says “watch this”. He rings a little bell and this beautiful Russian girl walks in, gets on her knees in front of him, and starts sucking his dick. After a few moments Putin smacks her on the back of the head and yells “stop!”, and without a word she gets up and walks out of the room. Putin turns to Trump and says “you wanna try?” “Sure” Trump says, “but don’t smack me on the back of the head please, that looks like it hurts”.
I’m great at pulling out! Just ask my kids…
Not a single one of them has gotten pregnant yet!
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting
I said well yea, but people that sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.
I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night
It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next
Gordon Ramsey just had his 5th kid..
At least he likes at least one thing raw.
I’m thinking of starting my own business as a watchmaker.
That way I can set my own hours.
How do bees welcome their guests?
They buzz them in.
An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque. "I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
I went to the zoo and I saw a baguette in a cage.
I asked the zookeeper about it and he said it was bread in captivity.
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.” And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…
"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightily over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this stuff instead of training!"
The man next to me on this rollercoaster won’t stop screaming.
Its like he's never seen a penis before.
I’ve come to the realization that suicide would solve all my problems…
… if I could just get the right people to try it.
I hate it when kids these days write “angle” instead of “angel.”
They are just trying to be edgy.
An escort goes to the hospital
She is a few hours away from getting a heart transplant and quite nervous. She asks the surgeon, “Doctor, what if my body rejects it?” The surgeon replies, “Well, you’re in good health apart from your heart. What do you do for a living?” She shyly admits, “Um, actually I’ve been working as a prostitute since I was eighteen.” “I see… and how old are you now?” He Enquired. “Thirty four – but may I ask where this is going?” She replied anxiously. “Well,” said the surgeon after some thought, “if you haven’t rejected an organ for the last sixteen years, it’s unlikely that you’ll start now.”