What was Frosty doing in the Vegetable Aisle?
Picking his nose!
Be extra safe on the roads today everybody, us men will be drinking
Which means our women will be driving
Orion’s belt is a huge waist of space.
Terrible joke. 3 stars.
Three vampires walk into a bar.
The first vampire says to the bartender, “I’ll have a pint of blood.” The second one says “I’ll have a pint of blood also.” The third vampire says to the bartender, “I’ll have a pint of plasma.” The bartender says, “So, that will be two bloods and a blood lite?”
As my Dad used to say, “when one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, lousy cabinet maker though.
What do you call a hippies wife. Mississippi…..
No text found
Master yoda, are we on the right way??
Off course we are
Murphy calls to see his mate, Paddy, who is bedridden with a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunningly beautiful 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. "Hello there girls, your dad sent me up here to fuck ya both." "Fuck off you liar!" "I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what's the use of fucking one?"
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool
I gave him a glass of water
What “supporting your neighbor looks like” from a distance during COVID-19. #respect
https://ift.tt/2VJtwgx
Why does a duck have feathers?
To cover its butt quack.
One of my kitchen gadgets is randomly playing classical music
I think it’s the Chopin board.
I can cut a piece of wood by just looking at it
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes
This man went out with the boys, and told his wife that he be home by midnight.
At around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly he realized she'd probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times. He was really proud of myself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape possible conflict. Next morning, his wife asked him what time he got in, and he told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Then she told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock. When he asked her why, she said "Well it cuckooed 3 times, then said 'oh fuck', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3, giggled, cuckooed 2 more times and farted.
Wife: “Honey, I’m Pregnant.”
Husband: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad" Wife: "No you're not…."
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
The other day my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I passed her glue by mistake
She still isn’t talking to me
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator!
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus
Me- “Do you know in middle east most of married girls can’t even vote on Facebook opinion poll”.
Friend- "That's not true, there is no such law anywhere in middle east". Me- "Yeah, but you need to be above 13 to use Facebook".
I told a Coronavirus joke to a group of people
Everyone eventually got it, but the Chinese guy, he got it right off the bat.
What is 6.9?
Another great thing ruined by a period.
I just read a joke about Oedipus and Midas.
It was mother fucking gold
You know, my hen counts her own eggs…
She’s a mathemachicken
Doctor : Does it hurt?
Mother : Yes, a lot. Doctor : So are we vaccinating the baby, or should I slap you again?
My wife was just swapping out objects on the mantle, and my son asked why she was putting bamboo up there.
I told him she was decorating for Halloween, and they both just gave me a flat look. Then with a grin on my face I simply said bamBOO!! Much to my wife’s dismay my 6 year old has been repeating it for the last 20 minutes.
Stephen King has a son named Joe
I’m not joking, but he is.
If I had a dime for every time I didn’t understand what’s going on, I’d be like…
"Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"
I still remember fondly the times dad used to roll us down the hill inside tires.
Those were the Good Years.
What did the zero say to the 8?
Nice belt
