Genie: I will grant you two wishes.
Guy: two? It’s always three, right? Genie: look at your crotch. Guy: Damn, that’s a huge dick. Genie: I’ve been doing this for centuries. You’re welcome.
What do you call a musician in the army?
A tambarine! Thank you! Thank you very much!
Last night I rode my bike to the liquor store
… and bought a bottle of whisky. I put the bottle in the bike basket but before riding back I thought: what if I fall down for some reason? The bottle will break! So I drank the whole bottle of whisky before riding home. And thank God I did, because I must have fallen down about a dozen times before I got home.
Son: “Mom, Dad, I’m gay.”
Mom: Stares at Dad Dad: Clenches fist Mom: "Don't!" Dad: Sweats Profusely Mom: "…" Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"
What state has the smallest drinks?
Mini-Soda. (From my seven-year-old.)
Her: Do you think our kids are spoiled?
Me: No. I think most of them smell that way.
When the earthquake told a joke, nobody laughed.
But the ground was cracking up.
Women really know how to hold a grudge over the smallest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.
It's been a month now and she's still not speaking to me
Did you know vampires arent real?
Unless you Count Dracula
What’s the most hated vegetable in the world?
Kim Jong Un
The woman next to me on this rollercoaster won’t stop screaming.
Its like she's never seen a penis before.
I told my wife that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our road except one!!
“I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.
I proposed to my ex-wife today
She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money.
Doctor : You’ve got a problem in your eyes
Dad : Oh i see Doctor : No you can't
What do you call a T-Rex that can fly
A Dino-soar
The person who invented knock knock jokes
Should get a nobell prize
When you take a pen name ….
… that's a nom de plume. When you take a name for war, that's a nom de guerre. When you take a name for an eating contest, that's a nom de om nom nom.
When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the fuck cologne.
Would you calculate how many people you could afford to lose for unlimited breadsticks?
https://ift.tt/2Z5Ucvb
Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s Eeleagle
What would happen if americans switched to kilograms overnight?
Mass confusion.
I hate Russian dolls,
they're so full of themselves.
It turns out that Mr. Spock has 3 ears
The left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear. Thank you Stephen King for this wonderful joke.