What was Jesus’ favorite exercise routine?
Crossfit
I zipped up my jeans and got my penis caught in the zipper. I painfully shouted out…..
"Username checks out"
The great thing about your parachute not deploying
Is that you have the rest of your life to fix it.
My wife hasn’t said a word to me in 6 days.
What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment.
A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the secretary, “I would like to join this damn church.”
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!" "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." And with that said, the secretary leaves her desk and walks into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money." "I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
I went on a gluten free diet because I was experiencing constant headaches.
And it actually worked. Clearly my-grains were the issue here.
I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help
But I stand corrected.
Bob is getting older and his kids decided to put him in an assisted living facility.
Bob at first was reluctant to go there. Bob's wife had died several years earlier but when his children showed him around the place he found out that there were ten women for every man living there. Since Bob had married young in life and didn't really get a chance to sow his wild oats when younger, he decided to give the place a go and see if he could catch up on some fun times with the ladies there. On his first day a the home he met Sally, a pleasant older woman that informed Bob that on Wednesday Nights it was movie night for the residents. She asked Bob if he would go with her to the the movie that week. Bob told Sally that he would go with her but only if she held his penis during the film. Sally thought about this for a bit and decided – what the heck, she could do that, as she really wanted a date for Wednesday Movie night. Everything went well with the date and the next Tuesday Sally asked Bob if he would take her to the movie again this week but Bob said he was sorry he could not because he was going to the Wednesday Night movie with another resident Jane. Sally was a bit miffed that Bob already had found someone else and asked Bob, "So whats Jane got that I haven't got". To which Bob replied: "Parkinsons".
An ego and a superego walk into a bar.
The bartender says “I’ll have to see some id”.
Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this, I have.” Yoda says.
He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape. He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across. When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden. “Something I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole. Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers. “That’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.” So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board. He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror. “Master Yoda!” he asks. “What did I do wrong?” Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”
I went to the most popular NSFW subreddit and was shocked when I sorted by Best.
I can’t believe what this world is coming to.
My dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car.
When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again.
It wasn’t much fun when I broke my neck last year.
But now I can look back and laugh.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
So my actor friend wants out of the “biz”
I suggested he become a pharmacist. He says he's got no experience. I said "whatever," all you do is follow the script!
I don’t get jokes about school shootings
I guess they must be aimed at a younger audience.
I couldn’t believe my friend when he said he sterile…
I said, "no kidding?!"
My son just threw a milk carton at me
How dairy
Don’t belittle kids.
Be tall, it's much better.
6 out of 7 Dwarves are not Happy
No text found
When the earthquake told a joke, nobody laughed.
But the ground was cracking up.
All countries will get the corona virus eventually…
China just got it right off the bat…
The funniest part of any pizza joke…
…is the delivery.
I saw a sign outside the gym that said “OPEN 24/7”
I thought, "How useless is that? July is ages away."
A boy scout says to his scout leader, “Sir, is this snake poisonous?”
The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror. The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."
My sister bet me $15 that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.
Why did the stadium get hot after the game?
Because all the fans left
I don’t always tell dad jokes
But when I do, he laughs
I used to be addicted to soap,
but I'm clean now.
A 5th grader from Alabama and a 5th grader from Boston got into a fight, who won?
5th grader from Alabama, because he's 18 yrs old
Putting air in your tires used to be free now its costs a dollar…
Its called inflation.
Is sex a joke?
If it is, I don't get it