What was Matthew McConaughey’s least favourite part of Interstellar?
When the girl gets older, and he stays the same age.
Dad: No problem. (To me) Hey, you live with this guy from now on.
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.
Me: "It means 'happy," Son: "Oh, so are you gay, then?" Me: "No, son, I have a wife."
Instead of going on a trip, he went on a mission.
Dad: Yes, the Brits left.
Because they do everything single-handedly.
Username checks out.
Sorry, that came out wrong. Ahem. So, I’m giving up. Drinking for the next month straight.
Because their horns don’t work!
Because every play has a cast
So I gave her two Popeye's biscuits and no drink.
They throw one cigarette overboard and make the boat a cigarette lighter. (heard in the Adam West Batman series)
weighs as much as the other two combined
I call it my Trail Mix.
He finished his drink, and asked for his check. Duck billed platypus.
"Whom, sweetheart?" "Mike the mailman." "Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!" "But mom, age is just a number." "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
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My wife asked me if I was having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch.
I said: “How can you say such a thing?”
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.
He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant." The soldier didn"t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your automobiles on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
I said "No, it doesn't".
It's 150 minus the number of rolls of toilet paper you have at home.
Those who understand Binary and those who don't.
… and a lifetime ban from the New York Zoo.
With a considerable deal of practice and skill and the correct combination of knots in the tie so it can properly be secured on the neck. It's an ant-tie joke.
So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
I said, "No, wait! I can change."
I listen to their problems, I learn about color matching and fashion so that I can go shopping with them, I ask them about their feelings, etc. The whole thing. Once they trust me, I wait patiently and the moment they let their guard down, BAM! I fuck their boyfriends.
We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.
Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.
a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens……. "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?" "Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis".
Preferred pronouns are Her/she
It's the first time they'll see 2020
If nobody's home he just leaves a brochure on the kitchen table.
She really wanted a daughter.