Why did the hipster fall in the lake?
He went ice skating before it was cool.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer
than the men who mention it.
I just found an enormous ravine so full of precious metals, I immediately came in my pants.
It was a huge ore chasm.
I just bought the personalized license plate BAA BAA…
For my black Jeep.
Why is 6 afraid of 7? (the answer is not what you’re thinking)
Not what you're thinking
Putin visits Estonia
Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin". "Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia". "Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".
I’ve just got a new job as senior director at Old MacDonald’s farm…
I’m the CIEIO!!!!
A mentor of mine once told me
that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. Well, I did that and I feel much, much better, but I'm not sure what to do with all these letters.
A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up
A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day. A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address. Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter in the mailbox so that the customer can readdress it for its proper recipient. He thinks nothing of it and finishes his day. The next day, the mailman sees the same mailbox with the flag up. He opens the box and again sees the same letter, nothing changed, but with a new stamp on it. The mailman is perplexed, and thinking to save the customer both time and money, decides to ring the doorbell and inquire about the letter. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, Ding-dong. The door opens and standing there is a stout Buddhist monk, dressed in traditional garb. “Pardon me, sir,” the mailman says, “but you seem to be trying to mail this letter again, and without any changes to the address, it’s only going to end up back at your home in a few days.” “Ah, my letter. Thank you so much for mailing it the other day, it was greatly appreciated. Please do so again” replies the Buddhist monk. “But sir,” says mailman, “you will only waste a stamp, and this letter will be re-delivered to your home a few days from now.” “But that is my intention, dear man,” replies the Buddhist monk. “You see, reposting is the best way to get karma.”
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer,
I said, "No, wait! I can change."
How do you spot a blind man at a nudist beach?
It's not hard
If your cable stops working, it could be a bad ohm-N.
Sorry for the terrible pun, I just couldn't resist.
My doctor told me I was going deaf 2 years ago
Haven't heard from him yet
Can we uninstall 2020 and install it again?
This version has a virus.
Wife and I got a flat tire driving back from the farmer’s market
I should have bought asparagus
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.
Life is like a dick
it gets hard for no reason and it's much shorter than you expected it to be.
People say vegans are annoying
But I've never had any beef with them.
Kenny Loggins Should Do A Song With Kenny Passwords.
No text found
A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away… Wait a sec, only 21 years ago, in the USA.
https://ift.tt/348RRPF
Why does Orion’s belt only have three stars?
Well, some of the reviews say it’s just a waist of space
Her: Did you and your buddies experiment with sex and drugs when you were in school?
Me: Yes, but I was in the control group.
Bartender job description
Basically you’re a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
If I had 50 cents for every time I failed a math test,
I'd have $7.20 right now.
As an Asian man, I have always wanted to know how it felt to be black. Today I finally accomplished that goal.
I sneezed and watched every one walk to the other side of the street.
Doctor: “I’ll be delivering your baby”
Dad to be:"Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver"
My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating an avocado
Me: who’s this guy? Grandpa: he’s my hip replacement