What was the spell for levitation? Oh right it was Wingardium
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
If my name was Travis, I would get a tee shirt and put my name across the chest.
It would be a travesty.
The son of a rich Saudi sheikh arrives in Germany for his University studies.
He soon writes home to his father. "Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad I am a little ashamed to be riding to class every day in my 24k gold Ferrari 599GTB when my professors, friends and many fellow students all travel by train. Your son, Ahmed" Promptly, his father writes back. "My Dear son Ahmed, $20 Million has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing our family. Go and get yourself a train too. Love, your dad"
I got an e-mail saying, “At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!” and I thought to myself…
βThatβs just spam.β
Can we uninstall 2020 and install it again?
This version has a virus.
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because theyβre scared of Wales
Well, to be Frank, iβd have to change my name
No text found
Did you hear about the guy who was obsessed with buying condos?
He had an apartment complex.
As my teacher once said “To the side, to the side”
As my teacher once said “To the side, to the side”
An American politician invites an Indian minister to his home.
The AP shows the Indian minister his Rolls Royce. "Beautiful isn't it?" He asks the minister. "Hmm, Yes it is" "Wanna know how I could afford to buy it?" the AP points in a direction "You see that bridge over there? 5% of its building funds went into my pockets" The minister just nods. A few weeks later, the minister invites the AP to his home for a party. Upon reaching the minister's home, the AP was surprised at how grand it was. It was a royal-looking mansion. He asks the minister, "Where did you get the money to buy it from?" The minister takes him outside and points in a direction and says "You see that bridge over there?" The AP replies "No"
Hooker: β$10 on grass, $30 on sofa, $50 in bedβ Man: βIβll pay $50β
Hooker: βYouβre a man of class :)β Man: βClass my ass, I want it five times on grassβ
I once knew a pair of twins that looked exactly alike, except that one of them was missing an eye.
They were dentical twins.
A woman starts to scream while giving birth.
"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks. "What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!" "Sorry babe. What is wrong?"
I saw a one legged man with no arms at the ATM today…
He asked me to help him check his balance…. So I pushed the fucker over.
Divorce lawyer: Iβm sorry to say, but all of your husbandβs assets are Frozen.
Wife: How? Lawyer: Iβm not sure, but he has 2000 DVDs of the movie for some reason.
Why don’t eggs tell jokes?
They'd crack each other up
We should send sex offenders to storm Area 51
Alien Vs Predator
Iβve developed a fetish for figuring things out.
I just came to that realization.
Here you have some cocaine, but remember
With great powder comes great responsability
When women remove polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye.
When Hitler removes Polish with chemicals, everyone loses their shit..
I met a strange man the other day really trying to sell me the health benefits of inhaling helium.
He spoke very highly off it.
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely: "Are – my – test – results – back?"
A drunk guest returns to his hotel and says to the clerk “Hi. I’ve forgotten what room I’m in.”
Clerk responds, "No problem, sir. This room is called 'The Lobby'"
A time traveler walks into a bar.
The bartender says, βWe donβt serve time travelers in here.β A time traveler walks into a bar.
When I left school, I passed every one of my exams with the exception of Greek Mythology.
It always was my achilles elbow.
What do you call a rude grape?
…….Ungrapeful
LPT: If you commit 90 sins, you only get caught half the time.
sin 90 = cot 45
What do you call a Chinese Disease?
Kung Flu.