What weighs less than blue ?
I said I didn't have time .
The money wasn't great, but he got to keep the tips
“Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions.”
I need closure.
But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme…
When the punchline is a parent.
It causes me to start coffin.
She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it. I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth
Boss: There’s no such thing as a problem. There are only opportunities. Man: Oh ok. Then I have a serious drug opportunity.
They’re so full of themselves
If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.
God rest their soles.
So I had to hire a bounty hunter.
Me: I understand. And for the main course?
I wish I could post it in another subreddit
…they don't believe in me.
Talk to your lock calmly because communication is key.
The bartender says "how did you do that?"
I said BIG ONES in the opposite direction of the fire….apparently the wrong answer.
I’ll only be telling inside jokes.
But now it’s all water under the fridge.
"But I never went to college." "Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here."
Sometimes he even laughs!
“Yes. Don’t get too attached to him”.
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later: Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"
The whole flight the man sweats beads being so nervous having been sat next to his holiness. The man is able to keep his calm and avoid an awkward conversation as the Pope focuses all of his attention on a crossword puzzle. A couple hours into the flight the man hears his Holiness mumbling in frustration at his puzzle. Eventually the man musters up the nerve to ask the Pope “is there anything I can help you with?” The Pope says “yes my son. I need a 4-letter word for a woman ending in _UNT” The man is absolutely horrified. He can’t tell the Pope the answer!! He is the most holy earthling alive. So he thinks and thinks and thinks until finally- it comes to him. He shouts out “of course! Aunt!” The Pope returns to his puzzle and mumbles again before turning back to the man and asks “do you have an eraser?”
…so she decides she needs to start punishing her children. The next morning, her three sons, Billy, Bobby, and Johnny come to the kitchen for breakfast. The mom asks Billy what he wants for breakfast. Billy says, "I don't know, just give me ceral or some shit." The mom smacks Billy and he goes flying across the kitchen. She turns to Bobby and asks him what he wants for breakfast. Bobby shouts, "Damn, mom! What the hell did you hit Billy for? Just give me cereal I guess." The mom hits Bobby even harder and Bobby flies into the next room over. Finally, she turns to Johnny and asks what he wants for breakfast. Johnny looks at the other two boys and hesitates for a while. Johnny says, "I don't know, but you can bet your sweet ass that it isn't cereal."
It was a little condescending
Would you say it's heat proof, to a certain degree?
When you say one thing, but mean your mother
He orders everyone a round.
Breathe idiot, breathe!
He ate his soup before it was cool.
Should've called it "the Father-figure"
After half a minute they all went home.
The woman tries to pity the judge: -Judge, I carried this child 9 months in my belly, it is the flesh of my flesh and it comes directly to me! The judge is moved and says: -Right mam, but now, lets listen to your husband's arguments. The man prefers to use his pragmatic side, and says: -Judge, when I put my coin in the vending machine,Is the can mine or is it to the machine?